


To Find Oneself

by IrisBagginsGrayson



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: (I suppose), After effects from torture, Angst, Blood, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mensions of Abuse, Mention of Drug Abuse, Sibling Bonding, Slight paranoia/Paranoid thougts, Slow Burn, Talking is needed- no more dodging the problems, These idiots are damaged and they need to work through their problems, These siblings need to properly talk, Torture, UA, Wounds, au divergence, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-09-14 07:35:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9168706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IrisBagginsGrayson/pseuds/IrisBagginsGrayson
Summary: AU DivergenceAfter Amanda and Vogel escapes, she calls Farah and learns some grave news; not only is Dirk Gently missing, but her brother is apparently so as well. Together, the three of them come together to free their family and escape the CIA.However, some things are different. Very different. And Amanda needs to come to terms with them before she can move forward. But can she really just forgive and forget?





	1. Ditch It

**Author's Note:**

> So, finally, I managed to write finished the first chapter (and the second). This one's not very long, and the next chapter isn't that long either, so sorry about that. And yes, this is multi-chapter, but I cannot promise that I will post a new part regulary. I will try, but I do have other things I need to worry about.
> 
> Also; I have planned for this story to contain some Brotzly and some Faranda, but I cannot for sure promise. So y'know, we'll just have to see won't we. 
> 
> There's no warnings for this one, I think. Enjoy!

Free. 

That was the one word that was swirling around in her head. _Free_. Her lungs were burning and she was gasping, gasping for air. But they were free. At least for now.

She looked over towards Vogel, who was kicking the wall of the little shelter they’d found. His face was twisted in anger, and he was murmuring angry things to himself. Not that she could blame him, of course. Amanda was furious herself, but right now the fear that curled in her stomach had a bigger hold. 

She looked down at her phone with wide eyes, and tried to call again. No answer. There was no fucking answer, only that shitty voicemail. A yell left her lips as she yet again tried to call his phone.

No fucking answer.

Amanda wanted to scream, wanted to crush her phone into a million pieces in frustration. But of course she couldn’t do that. Then he wouldn’t be able to call her back. Then there was no way of knowing what happened.

She bit her lip as hard as she could, and brushed some of the hair away from her face. 

The only thing she could remember, was the way he’d screamed, just right out of the blue. He’d sounded so pained, and her stomach twisted nauseatingly. She looked at her phone again, and forced herself to breathe threw her mouth. 

«Okay, okay,» she murmured, unlocking her phone. «Maybe, maybe Farah will answer… They… They were supposed to meet up, right? Then… Then maybe Farah knows what happened…»

It was a tiny sliver of hope, but something she’d learn over time was that even the smallest of hope was good. Amanda’s fingers shook as she went found Farah in her contacts, and pushed the call button. She put her fist nervously to her mouth and gently rocked back and forth. 

Farah needed to pick up.

One ring, two rings… Amanda’s fear sparked dangerously and she felt as if she wanted to vomit-

«Hello?!» came the worried voice of Farah over the speaker, and Amanda had to force herself not to yell in joy. «Who’s-»

«Farah! It’s Amanda, oh am I glad you picked up!» Amanda blurted, and a genuine smile came over her lips. Her eyes rose to Vogel, and he seemed to have calmed down a little. She gave him an encouraging smile, and pointed to her phone. There were hope! «I- I was _so_ worried something had happened to you!»

An anxious, bubbly laugh came from the other end, before Farah’s shaky and somewhat uneasy voice responded, «I thought something happened to _you_. I-I can’t find them, it’s like they vanished, and- and I don’t know- don’t know _why_ or _where_ or what to do and-» Farah’s voice became breathy and she was talking too fast for Amanda to follow what was being said. 

«I- Wait, hold on. _Them_? Do you- Do you mean Dirk and Todd?» Amanda’s stomach churned as she clutched her phone tighter in her hand. «They’re- They’re _gone_?»

«I-I don’t- I can’t find them. Dirk left, then Todd followed a little after… I- I went outside to find them, but- but they were nowhere to be seen. I- I only found Todd’s phone, and I don’t know _where_ they could’ve gone or _who_ could’ve taken them-…»

Amanda felt a gasp leave her lips, and she curled her free hand into a fist. «Shit… I-I think it might’ve been- been the military… They- They attacked the Rowdy 3 and I, and we- Vogel and I barely escaped. Shit…»

She couldn’t believe it. Todd and Dirk had been captured. They’d been _taken_ and probably by the government and they’d crushed his phone and… Amanda forced herself to take in a deep breath and try to steady herself. Even if her stomach was twisting painfully and something was lodged in her throat, it wouldn’t do anyone any good if she panicked.

«What can we do, Farah? We- We managed to- to run away, but we… We don’t know if they’re after us or not… We have nowhere to go…» Amanda told Farah while using her free hand to run it through her hair.

A sigh came from over the line, and Amanda could practically _see_ Farah rub a hand over her face. «Patrick had- We can’t- We can’t talk about it on the phone, they- they might’ve tapped them. No, we- we meet up. We have to meet up… Uh, just… Where can we meet up? Uh… We- We can meet up…»

«The brick house… Your first mission together. We can meet up there. We’re- We’ll be able to get there, soon. We can meet up there,» Amanda said, tightening her hold onto her phone. They had to meet up. If not, they would stand no chance against the- the military.

«You have to ditch your phone. We can’t- can’t risk them tracing it. Ditch it, and come as fast as you can. We can’t waste any time.»

Amanda nodded, before realizing Farah couldn’t exactly see the motion and responding, «Yeah, yeah. We- We’re coming. We’re coming. 

«See you then. And Amanda, be careful, okay? I don’t want you to disappear too,» Farah’s voice was gentle, but urgent. «Stay safe.»

«I will. And you too, Farah… Bye.» After hanging up, Amanda clutched her phone for a long time, before violently throwing it at the wall. «C’mon Vogel. We need to run, and we’re going to fix this. We have to.»

Vogle nodded, his face still contorted with anger and hurt. He was just as upset as she was. Her stomach twisted in fear, and she took a hold of Vogel’s arm. They needed to hurry, if they stood any chance at saving their families. 

She would not abandon any of them.

Not now, not ever.

 


	2. I'm Serious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda and Vogle finally arrive at their desired destination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings here, other that there may be slight paranoid thoughts, but that's mostly in the start and end. It's nothing big or grand, just... A slight fearful thougths.

Amanda felt her throat tighten up as she drove up to the Spring Power Plant, and she stopped the (stolen) bike by the fence. She jumped off of it, and noticed that Vogel did the same. She looked around as she pulled her leather jacked closer to her body.

She could feel something cold curl around her lungs and tighten their hold as she looked around them. Farah wasn’t here yet. She wasn’t here…

What if Farah had been captured, too? What if they ended up all alone? Two people couldn’t rescue six people from the military.

Her fear started to tighten its hold on her lungs, and she had trouble breathing. What if they’d never get their family back? What if… What if…

What if she’d never see her brother again?

Amanda felt her throat constrict as her stomach twisted. That was a Bad Road to follow. She ran her free hand through her hair as she swept her gaze around them. She couldn’t think about that, not now. It would only bring a lot of Bad Thoughts, and she couldn’t afford to think like that.

Not now, at least.

As she stood there, her fear like a whirlwind inside of her head, she felt Vogel tense beside her.

«Somebody’s coming,» he told her, his voice only a whisper as he held his crowbar tightly in his hands.

She looked around, her body tensing. There, she could hear it now, too. Footsteps. Footsteps coming closer, and closer, and closer.

The person was rounding the corner, and they were _so_ close and-

«Amanda?!»

Amanda’s eyes widened as she laid her eyes on the person that came, and before she knew it she was running up to the person, her arms around them. «Farah! Thank _fuck_ you’re here!»

The person - or more Farah - in her arms squirmed, before strong arms wrapped around her.

«Amanda! I was _so_ worried! You- I couldn’t contact you and since I _couldn’t_ I had to look around and see if you showed up _somewhere_ and I was so worried you’d been taken too and… And I’m so happy you’re here… I… Well, I don’t know what I’d done if you too had been taken…»

«I… I don’t know either, really… Even with Vogel, we wouldn’t be able to save everyone… Not without you.. Not really,» Amanda told her sincerely, feeling the ache in her chest flare up again. They would’ve been so lost without Farah. Without Farah, Vogel and herself would be doomed to forever running, with no ability to save their family.

«I… Well I don’t- You’d probably be able to- Well I-…» Farah mumbled, and Amanda could see her face begin to heat up.

Amanda laughed gently as watched her friend became more and more flustered. «I’m serious with what I said. Vogel and I wouldn’t have made it without you and your smarts. We’d just run and run until we couldn’t run anymore.

She saw Vogel tense up beside her, but he said nothing. She knew he might find it offensive that she insinuated that they wouldn’t make it on her own, but she was serious with what she’d said, even if her voice was a little merry. Even with somebody who could take her pain away, Amanda knew she couldn’t run for long.

And she had a nagging suspicion that neither could Vogel.

«I… Well, at least we’re all together, so now we can focus on the important; to get away. I know of a place - well more, Patrick had a place, but it should work fine. It’s a safehouse, hidden away some three hours from here. Nobody but me knows about it, so we should be safe there,» Farah told them, her voice lowering as she went on, «The only problem is _getting_ there.»

«Well, we have a bike. Vogel stole it, and I think all of us could fit on it if we really tried…» Amanda mulled as she looked over at the aforementioned vehicle. «It might be a hard fit, but I have managed it before…»

«You… Stole a… Bike…?» Farah sounded so tired, disbelieving and disappointed all at once as she just blinked at them. Amanda, however, just grinned in response. It _wasn’t_ that bad. There were no-one around, and it was standing there all alone. «Do you know what, I don’t want to know how you did it, just… Let’s just go, okay? I don’t… Just… Just get on the bike.»

Amanda smiled as she sauntered over to the bike, a pleased grin on her face. The ache was still in her chest, beating harshly against her ribcage, but she couldn’t think of that now. Now, they had to escape, and when they were finally safe, she would think about it.

As she reached the bike, she stopped and looked over at Farah again. «Do you know what? I think you better drive,» she told the other woman, a sheepish smile over her lips. While she trusted Vogle, he wasn’t the safest driver.

And Farah was the only person that knew where to go.

«I… Yes, you’re right. I-I knew that,» came the somewhat flustered reply as she walked over to them. As she sat down on the bike, she said, «We need to lay low, so we don’t draw any attention to ourselves. That means, no shouting or yelling, got it?»

Amanda held her hands up, smiling innocently. «It’s not me you have to tell that.»

«I can be silent too, you know! I’m not _always_ yelling!» Vogel said crossly, his body tense and full of irritation and pent up energy. «I’m loud when I want to be!»

«Vogle, calm down. Farah just said we had to be careful, okay?» Amanda told him gently, placing a hand on his shoulder. She knew he was upset due to the loss of the others, but she knew that now wasn’t the time. Even if her chest tightened and she almost couldn’t breathe.

«Yes, I mean- We can’t draw attention, then they’ll find us,» Farah said, her face drawn as she sat on the bike. «So get on, we need to leave. Now.»

Amanda nodded, and sat down behind Farah. With a gentle tug of his hand, Vogle sat down behind her again. It was going to be a long ride, and it would be uncomfortable…

But it would all be worth it. Because then they’d be able to be safe.

And then, then they could focus on saving their family.

Amanda laid her arms around Farah’s midsection, and leaned into her. She felt her chest tighten again, and she held on a little tighter than necessary. She felt awful, awful for leaving the Rowdy 3, and for-

No, she couldn’t think of that now. Not now.

It only led to more bad thoughts, and she couldn’t handle those thoughts right now.

As the motor purred to life, she felt a cold settle into her bones. She couldn’t handle the thought of losing them. Or- Or what she’d done… What she’d said. What she hadn’t said.

It was too much right now.

She settled closer to Farah again, and just focused on the purring of the motor and the way the wind played with her hair as they begun driving.

They would save them. They _had_ to save them.

She could not rest easy until they were all safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it. Next chapter, we'll see how they fare with saving their friends. Just a heads-up; I will have a time jump, because I don't have any idea of what to write between Chapter 2 and 3. 
> 
> I will also try to update weekly, but it may end up being bi-weekly. We'll see what happens!
> 
> Edit; I have decided to write Vogel instead of Vogle... So if you see a slip-up (because I might've overlooked it), you're very welcome to tell me.
> 
> Until then, see you soon!


	3. Cold, Cold Metal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rescuing people is suprisingly easy, isn't it?
> 
> Especially if you have explosives and a badass vampire at your disposal, as Amanda learned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter I think, only that it's a three month time-jump from the last chapter.

It had gone so long, so long until they had found a clue. Until they found anywhere to start. The three of them had been stuck in that cabin, only ever going out to get food, or to get some more wood. And even that was scarcely.

They just couldn’t risk it. It was too dangerous to be outside more than absolutely necessary.

And besides, Amanda didn’t really have anything to go out for.

Besides saving everyone she cared for, that is.

Which lead to where she was now, three months after they first began living in the cabin, wielding an axe and going through a smoking (and somewhat burning) building. Farah was at her side, holding a big ass gun, and Vogel on her other side, a spiked bat at his disposal.

Even if their weapons were leathal, they had all agreed not to kill anyone (unless absolutely necessary). It would be bad if they pissed of the CIA more than necessary.   


And even if Amanda was furious at her supposed government, she knew she couldn’t kill anyone. She didn’t exactly have it in her, nor was it a smart move.

She brought the scarf further up her face, so that it would cover her nose more securely. While the CIA would probably figure out who she was, she really did not want to breathe in the dust that was filling the air and making it difficult to see.

As she jogged forward, she felt a tug on her sleeve, and she looked up at Vogel. His eyes seemed to have filled with more energy that she had seen for the past three months. He seemed to enjoy this, and who could blame him? He was beating the shit out of the people that had taken his family, and he could _finally_ free them.

To be honest, she would be grinning like a Cheshire Cat had it not been for the fear boiling in her stomach.

«I can sense them, ‘Mandy. My family. They’re right here!» Vogel said, his voice filled with pure, childish joy, and Amanda felt a smile tug at her lips as well.

And what followed was mostly a blur. Vogel had apparently managed to break down the sturdy metal door with his bat (how, Amanda would never know), and the Rowdy 3 came rushing out. Before she knew what happened, the two of them were swept up into a tight group hug.

«Drummer girl! You’re here!» Cross said, a grin splitting his face. Gripps smiled widely as well, and Martin had something akin to proudness painted over his face.   


«You two, saving us old folks? I can’t believe you two grew up so fast,» he said warmly as he ruffled her hair. «C’mon, follow us.»

Amanda furrowed her brows, but followed the three they just broke free from their cell. Vogel seemed to all but vibrate as he bounced beside his crew, an ear-splitting grin over his lips.   


But Amanda couldn’t celebrate yet. Her gut was twisting and she could feel an awful feeling bubble in her chest. She couldn’t celebrate, not until everyone was safe. Not until…   


Not until she had her brother back.

As they hurried down the corridors, she noticed how… Plain the walls were. White everywhere. White ceiling, white walls, white floor. It felt so… Cold and distant. A shudder ran through her body as they scurried along the hallway. And the doors made something cold grow in her stomach. They were all strong, metal doors with heavy locks on them, just like the one they’d gotten the Rowdies from.   


And as she studied the hallway they were in, she noticed that the doors got more and more distance from each other. Until they reached the end of the hallway, where just one door met them.

«They’re here,» she heard Martin say, a frown on his face. When she looked at the others, they seemed to be all sporting the same frown.

As she took a step back, she actually got the time to study them. The three of them were all…. Thinner than what they had been last time she saw them, and they were even paler. Their hair were everywhere, and the grey jumpsuits they wore were so… Unlike them.

It all felt wrong to her, it was all so wrong. They didn’t belong here. Nobody belonged here.

Her _family_ didn’t belong here.

Amanda watched as the Rowdy 3 began to pound on the door with all their might, and she held heraxe close to herself. The _wrong_ feeling in her stomach began to grow as she watched the the Rowdies break down the door.

It just… It didn’t feel right. _Something_ didn’t feel right.

After what felt like an eternity, the door finally gave way with a loud _clang_ , and the boys stepped away from the door, looking at her expectantly. Farah, who’d stayed a little behind after saving the Rowdies, now came up to Amanda.

Before any of them could say anything, a familiar shriek filled the room, before incoherent gibberish followed. And before Amanda knew it, she was rushing into the room and wrapping her arms around the tall Brit. «Dirk!»

She could feel the man freeze, before a bubbly laugh escaped him. «Amanda! Oh you have _no_ idea how good it is to see you! Well, i had a hunch _something_ would happen, but not _you_ showing up! And not so soon! Well, the hunch did say not stand close to the door, but still, I didn’t think something would happen now and-»

Amanda felt herself smile as Dirk babbled on, and she pulled herself away. While it was relieving to see Dirk again, she had noticed how thin Dirk felt, and how his eyes were serious, too pale. Like all the life were sucked out of them. It made her stomach twist and her heart clench.

«Where’s Todd..? Is- Is he here with you?» Amanda asked him as she tried to look around the dim-lit room.

Dirk seemed to hesitate for a moment, his hand twitching, before a smile broke out on his face yet again. «Yes, he is. He’s sleeping at the moment, you know how it is trying to sleep on harsh mattresses…» Dirk explained, his voice a little too light, before he began turning towards one corner of the room.   


She frowned as she watched Dirk bend down beside a tiny, thin mattress, gently shaking a lump on top of it. Amanda couldn’t exactly hear what he said, but she noticed the bundle twitch, before she heard the oh-so familiar voice of her brother. Something in her stomach seemed to calm down at the knowledge that her brother was really here, but it didn’t settle completely. Not until they were all safe.

Farah came up beside her, looking worriedly towards the two men. «Dirk? Todd?» Farah asked as Dirk seemed to help Todd up to his feet, before supporting him over to the two of them. «It’s- It’s good to see you. I- Well, we all- We worried for you… But we don’t have much time. We need to move. _Now_.»

Dirk seemed to nod, but there was no response from her brother. It was probably just because he was tired - Todd had never been a morning person.

It had to be it, right?

Amanda was about to open her mouth to talk, but before she had the chance Farah ushered them along. «The car’s outside. I don’t know when the backup will come, but it will. So we need to hurry.»

«Wait!» Dirk blurted, looking at the two with wide eyes. «We need to rescue Ken and that very scary assassin Bart!» He looked at them with a hopeful expression, before it moved over to where the Rowdies where standing in the doorway. «We can’t leave them here…»

Amanda looked over at Martin, and he seemed to nod his agreement. «They’re just down the hall… We’ll break ‘em out while you run to the ride.»

Dirk, seemingly pleased with the answer, nodded before poking Todd (who was leaning heavily against him) in the ribs. «We need to run, Todd. So if you could open your eyes, it would be wonderful.»

Todd’s eyes opened, slowly, before blankly staring ahead. The way he acted made something cold settle in her chest, but she didn’t have the time to think about that now. Not when she could hear voices yelling in the distance.   


«Okay, we need to move, we need to move _now_!» Farah said urgently, before beginning to rush to the end of the hall, probably to check if they were in the clear.

Amanda looked at the Rowdies, before giving her axe to Martin with a determined face.

All they needed to do now, was reach the car, and all would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not all to pleased by how this chapter went (especially the ending), but I had to write it to get to the part I REALLY want to write. So eh, sorry if the quality of the chapter isn't all that good.
> 
> Hopefully next chapter, we'll discover a little more of what happened at Blackwing...
> 
> Until next time, see ya!


	4. Puzzle Piece

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roadtrips are fun, aren't they? Especially when everyone else is either asleep or in the back of the van.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! Some clues about what happened is finally here, alongside doubt, worry and emotions.
> 
> And Amanda is having... Emotions about a friend who might not only be a friend.
> 
> Warnings for; Mentions of past depression, wounds, and strong language.

Amanda gulped down air as she leaned into the seat, sweat rolling down her forehead. Her heart was beating so fast and so hard, but she felt better than she had done in _months_. Even if she might feel hotter than the Sahara Desert, she felt _good_.

And it might have something to do with siting in a huge van, with her family _finally_ with her.

Yeah, it so had to do with that.

Amanda opened her eyes, a relived smile on her lips as Farah told them that it seemed there were nobody following them. Amanda knew they weren’t in the clear yet (not until they were home, that was), but it was so relieving to have all the people she valued in the car, safe, with her.   


Well, _safe_ didn’t mean _okay_.

Her smile fell as she looked behind her at where Dirk and her brother were slumped in their seats, and she felt a frown begin to form. They didn’t look okay.   


Not in the slightest.

Dirk was halfway slumped in his seat, his eyes closed and his hands clutching the end of the seat with an almost deadly grip. His skin was pale, and he seemed thinner ( _starved_ more like it), he had dark circles around his eyes and it seemed he had bruises all over his left arm. He (and the rest of the rescued gang) was wearing a pale, blue t-shirt and pants, somewhat similar to what they used in hospitals.

He looked horrible, if Amanda was to be honest. He looked horrible and tired, and it twisted her heart to see the normally bubbly detective look and act so extremely _down_.

And then there was the matter of her brother.

Todd was somewhat curled in his seat, and he was leaning into Dirk’s side, his eyes closed firmly. His body was lightly shaking, and his skin was pale and looked clammy. She could also see dark circles around his eyes, too, as well as light bruises on his right arm. Todd’s beard was also much thicker, and his hair seemed longer than it was last time she saw him.

But what kind of freaked Amanda out was the way his right hand was twitching, not to mentioned how he had totally collapsed into the seat when they’d reached the car, and had not spoken a word afterwards.

Actually, he hadn’t spoken at all. Not even a word.

He’d just stared ahead of him, before curling up beside Dirk and closing his eyes.

It was so unlike him. And if Amanda was being completely honest, it kind of scared her to see her brother like this.

Amanda drew her feet close to her chest as she looked forward again. Her chest constricted painfully, and a sigh left her lips. Something wasn’t right with the two of them. And it caused her fear to spike up yet again.

«We’re not too far, Amanda… It’ll be okay. We have them, they’re here, in our car… We’ll just drop this of, walk to the cabin- We’ll be okay… We did it…» Farah said, her voice a place between relieved and tense. Amanda could feel Farah lay a hand on her own hand for a brief moment, before focusing on driving yet again.

Even if the touch had been brief, she felt her face heat up and something in her chest move.

_Holy shit_.

Amanda couldn’t describe it, but those were the only words she knew that could come close; holy shit.

She swallowed thickly and tried not to show how flustered she really was. Over the course of the three months they’d been hiding, she’d felt a… _Shift_ in their dynamic. Like something was changing. And she liked it, even though it left her slightly confused. It had been a _long_ time since she’d ever felt like this.   


It was a crush. She wouldn’t deny it; she had a crush on Farah. Plain and simple.

Not so simple to admit it to the woman in question, however.   


Her gaze turned to the road as she wrapped her arms around her legs. Okay, she _had_ to confess soon. It was eating her up from inside, and it was making it hard to focus. It caused her heart to beat faster every time she looked at Farah, and her breath to hitch every time they touched.

Oh how she’d fallen for Farah.

But she loved it.

Amanda closed her eyes, trying to control her emotions. There was no use getting herself agitated. It’d only cause her emotions to flare up and cause an attack (and that was of no use right now). So, she took a deep breath and opened her eyes again.

Okay, she really couldn’t fall into the rabbit hole that was her emotions for Farah. Even if it felt pleasant, she knew it might lead to an attack. And that was _not_ pleasant.

She sighed and leaned into her seat again. Her life was a mess, wasn’t it? Full of danger, confusion, pain, love and hate, chases and knew relations.   


Hopefully, it was all worth it. It had to be.

«Farah..? Do you, do you think… Do you think they’ll be okay? They’re acting so weird. And Todd… I’ve never _seen_ him like that. I never imagined him even _being_ like this, not even when I thought he had, you know… I… I don’t know…» Amanda hugged her legs tighter to her body as she looked out the window. «I… The only thing… Only thing _close_ to this was a time in High School… But, that’s… That’s _nowhere_ like this.»

Amanda bit her lip as she swallowed thickly. So much for not letting her emotions run rampant, huh? She could feel the fear in her throat as she spoke, «I mean… I’ve seen him dealing- dealing with depression before… But he- he always tried to open up to me. He always talked to me. Maybe not about how he was feeling - I had to force him to do that - but, he would talk about things. How he had fallen in love with a new record, talking about a movie… He… He always found the time for me, y’know? I don’t… I don’t think anyone else I knew had older siblings like that. Siblings who cared like that…»

«Don’t worry, Amanda… He’s probably tired. He was in a _prison-cell_ for three damn months, for fuck’s sake! Anyone’d be tired after that. I- Well, it must be it. Lack of sleep, and all that,» Farah said, not taking her eyes off the road.   


«No, no, that’s not it. Just- Just _look_ at him-» realizing that her companion could _not_ look behind her to see how the aforementioned person was looking, Amanda moved her hand in a ‘I know you can’t actually _see_ him right now but trust me on this’ motion, «-He’s full of bruises! And he’s shaking like a fucking _leaf_. It’s- It’s not… It’s not right. It gives me bad vibes, almost like…» She swallowed thickly as the final puzzle piece fell in place.

«Almost like we really didn’t save _all_ of them…»

«Hey now, don’t think like that. I- I _know_ it’s scary, that it’s worrisome. But Amanda- We, we _can’t_ afford to think like that. Not now. Not- Not when we barely know anything about what happens. We’ll fix everything when we get home, ok?» Farah looked at her with a stern, determined gaze as she grasped Amanda’s hand in a firm, comforting grip. «We’ll fix this. We’ll make it better.»

Amanda looked at the other woman, a soft frown on her face before she squeezed her hand. «Not… Not everything can be fixed,» she mumbled, remembering what she’d yelled at her brother.

«You never know; maybe we can fix this,» Farah reassured her, returning her gaze on the road as she drove. Yet their hands remained entwined. Probably for reassuring her, Amanda thought. Probably. Certainly.

As they continued to drive at insane speeds along the stony road, she couldn’t shake the worry out of her head.

What if they couldn’t fix this…? What if they couldn’t fix what Blackwing had broken?

What if they couldn’t fix what _she’d_ broken?

Because if there was something she’d realized in the past months, it was that she’d broken her brother’s heart. While she might be _furious_ at him for lying to her, a part of her knew… A part of her knew she didn’t know the full truth.

And when she did that… Maybe, maybe she could forgive him. Forgive him for what he did.

But she could not live with herself with the knowledge of breaking and hurting her brother. It just… It wasn’t something- something she could live with.

Amanda closed her eyes and leaned back. Maybe they could reconcile. Maybe they could become friends again. Maybe even become what they almost where before all of this.

She didn’t _want_ to hate her brother, not really. She wanted Todd as her brother, she really did.   


But she couldn’t love somebody who’d lied for so long, who’d blatantly ripped her off and who’d gotten her hopes up in vain.

No, she couldn’t love that. Not now.

But maybe, maybe, she could. If he was worth it.

And right now, she didn’t know. She honestly didn’t know. She cared for her brother, that was for sure. But loving him as her brother was something else entirely.

It was something she was unsure of. Something she didn’t know. Amanda honestly didn’t know if she could love him again. If she could forgive him.

If she _wanted_ to forgive him.

Some things couldn’t be fixed, could they?

Sometimes, you couldn’t get all you wanted.

First thing first, you had to get what you deserved.

And right now, Amanda didn’t really know what Todd deserved.

«Maybe we can fix this,» Amanda mumbled softly. «Maybe…»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo boy, this chapter was actually fun to write. Especially the 'Amanda Has Feelies For Farah' part. That was very fun. And Amanda's thoughts in general. There may not have been any action in this Chapter, but sometimes thoughts are good too.
> 
> Next time, we'll see more to our rescued friends, and maybe a little bit of a hike.
> 
> Until then; see ya!


	5. Walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking people up so they can take a walk in the woods is always an experience now isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was kinda hard to write, but I did churn out almost 2k... So I did manage to get it on my deadline.
> 
> There's no warnings in this one, I think.

Amanda sighed contently as she stepped out of the car and stretched her body. The drive had taken six hours, and she could feel it in the way her back was protesting. Well, at least they had gotten a good distance from the facility. They _had_ to, with Farah’s speedy driving.   


As she stretched, Farah came up beside her, a tense look over her features. «We need to move again soon. The other car isn’t too far away, but we used two hours… I have no idea how much time we’ll use now.»

Instead of answering, Amanda just nodded and began putting her hair in a ponytail (for sitting in a car with one proved annoying after a while. Especially when trying to sleep). She looked over at the van and a soft sigh left her lips. «I’ll wake up Dirk and my brother,» Amanda proposed as she looked at the other woman.

«Sure, yeah, I’ll go see to the two new ones… I really do hope they’re not going to shoot at Dirk again, because, well, once is enough.» Amanda knew it was Farah’s way at humor, and she smiled in response.

«They haven’t killed us yet, have they? And besides, it was _Dirk’s_ idea. And if _anybody_ can become friends with a murderer, it’s him.» She was stalling. She knew she was stalling, but she just… Her stomach twisted every time she thought about actually talking to her brother again. There was… _Something_ that made her stomach twist.

Maybe it was the part of her that was furious. Maybe it was a part of her that desperately wanted to forgive him.

Maybe it was a part of her that was scared to know the truth.

Amanda took a deep breath and forced a smile upon her lips. «Scream to me if they prove trouble. I’ll whack them over the head with a branch.»

A chuckle was the response Amanda got (and now her heart sped up, why thank you Farah), before a light shove. «Thank you, for the vote of confidence.»

Amanda only grinned in response.

Farah looked at her with a exasperated look, before going to the back of the van. Thus leaving Amanda alone with her thoughts and anxieties. She had not thought it would be this difficult to confront and be around her brother, but oh was she proved wrong.

So wrong.

Amanda took a deep breath, before she opened the door to where Dirk and Todd where. She knew they didn’t have the best time, and stalling could possibly endanger them all. So, she had to actually do this.

She had to talk to him.

It had to happen sometime, anyways. And she did want to make sure he was safe.

Why was it all so difficult? Why couldn’t her life be easy and comfortable?

Amanda sighed as she halfway entered the backseat and looked upon the two men. They seemed to be both sleeping, and a light frown laid itself on Amanda’s lips. When she was close, like this, she could see the bruises littering Dirk’s visible skin. It made something in her stomach churn.

«Hey, Dirk… You got to wake up,» Amanda said gently as she leaned into the car. «We need to move.»   


She placed a hand on his arm, but pulled it back as fast as she could when she noticed the flinch. The bad feeling overcame her once again, and she gnawed on her lower lip. Luckily, Dirk seemed to wake up, though he seemed to be very confused.

«Hey, no need to worry Dirk. It’s just me,» Amanda tried to explain as calmly as possible, since she really didn’t want to startle her friend. She knew how it felt like, being startled when you woke up in an unfamiliar place.

It had happened so many times to her in her lifetime. It was a scary feeling, to not being able to tell where you were, or who was with you.

She knew, so she tried her best not to startle him further.

It seemed Dirk began to properly wake up, and he blinked dazedly at her, before recognition came over his face. «Oh. Amanda. Hi. Wait, have we stopped? I could swear we were driving- Oh, I fell asleep. Makes sense. But where are we, and may I ask where we’re going? I didn’t get time to ask that, because well, I fell asleep.»

Amanda smiled softly as she spoke, «We’re going to a safe place. Well, firstly we’ll have to hike for a while to get to a second car, then drive the rest of the way. It was for safety, so we couldn’t get traced. Farah’s idea.»

Dirk looked at her for a moment, before nodding his understanding. «Yes, of course. Ah well, there might be _one_ kink in this. Well, several, if I’m honest. You see, I haven’t been _walking_ that much for a _loooong_ time, and I’m very stiff right now. Not to _mention_ that I’m not wearing any shoes nor socks. It’s awful, really, being forced to walk barefoot all the time. Really degrading, honestly. Especially when the floors are constantly cold as ice. And-»

«Dude, we’re not going to _run_ to the new car. We’re going to walk as fast as all of you can. We have time, but we do need to get going so it doesn’t get too dark,» Amanda interrupted, smiling fondly at him.

He was a babbling idiot sometimes, but that was the charm about him. He was excited and talkative, and Amanda honestly wouldn’t want her friend any other way.   


«Ah, well that’s good! It would be an awful inconvenience to have to _run_ all he way.» Dirk smiled a gentle smile at her, and she almost forgot how thin and abused he looked.

Almost.

Dirk seemed to realize that he had a body pressed up against him, because his mouth turned into an «o» as he looked down at Todd. He was still curled up and fast asleep. Something was nagging at Amanda, there was something she was missing.   


«Todd? Todd. Todd,» Dirk said as he poked Todd’s shoulder softly. A soft groaning noise followed shortly thereafter. His eyes opened slowly before he sat up, looking somewhat confused.   


«Where..?» He began, his voice hoarse and rough, before silencing himself and just looking at Dirk. «We’re not… Dirk?»

«Ah. We’re in a car, currently being asked to get _out_ of said car. Oh, maybe a little bit of important info, maybe; we were saved! Farah, Amanda and uh-what’s-his-name- Vogel! - saved us! We’re free and safe!» Dirk explained, a grin now stuck over his face. He looked genuinely happy as he told Todd the news.

«Oh. So that- that happened? We- We’re out? We- Wait, Amanda-» Todd finally looked towards where Amanda was standing, halfway leaned into the van, and blinked.

Once. Twice. A third time. Squinting...

«Amanda!»

His face broke into a relieved, thin smile, and she could swear she saw his eyes become wetter.   


«You’re- You’re here… You… You saved us… You saved _me._ » Amanda pretended as though that sentence did _not_ hurt as she nodded her head, trying not to let her mind wander. She could think about everything later, when they were safe in the other car.   


Instead of answering him (because it would lead to a bunch of things unfolding), she instead told them, «We need to get a move on. We need to go so it doesn’t get dark before we reach the next car.»

They both nodded in understanding, so Amanda retreated out of the car and to where Farah was standing, all the while her chest ached. It all felt… Wrong… She couldn’t explain it, but she just… She just felt wrong.

Later. She would figure out everything later.

Right now, she had to make sure they reached the car.

Amanda looked over to where the pathway began, and she saw the Rowdy 3 (well, four) as well as the two others they’d rescued standing there. They were waiting for them.   


She turned around to face the car, and she frowned when she saw Dirk and Todd wobble out of the car and towards them. (Had she not been worried for their wellbeing, she might’ve found it cute the way they were leaning onto each other.)

«Are you two okay?» Amanda heard Farah ask, worry laced into her voice. «If you need help…»

«No, no. We’re fine, we’re fine. Just tired, that’s all. We can manage, don’t worry,» Dirk tried to sound happy and well, but his voice was strained and his hands - which were halfway folded around Todd’s shoulder for support (for whom?) - where shaking.   


«You sure?» Farah pried, looking at them with skeptical eyes.

«Yes, yes. Totally sure.» Dirk’s smile seemed off, but it seemed like Farah didn’t want to force him into admitting anything, because she fell silent for a moment.

«Alright. Just- Just tell us if it gets to difficult, okay? We can afford taking a break now and then.»

«We will! Don’t worry about us!» Dirk assured her as Todd and him wobbled over to them. Todd was oddly silent through the whole exchange, and he was squinting at them.   


Amanda felt her chest tighten once again. Something wasn’t quite right here. She was missing some vital clues. But she was determined to figure them out.

Some way, she would figure out what was wrong, and some way she would figure out her feelings.

But right now they needed to move, and she could not linger on those thoughts.

So she began to walk, Farah beside her and Dirk and Todd staggering after. They would have to talk about everything when they reached the cabin. But that wasn’t yet. That as far from it. So right now, she would focus on walking.

Amanda didn’t however, feel the ache in her chest leave.

Something was off, and Amanda had a terrible feeling that it was something big.

When they reached the rest of the group, Amanda and Farah (who knew the way) ended up the front, Dirk and Todd («The weakest link», as the strange woman had declared) behind, the two others behind them again, and _then_ the Rowdy 3 at the back.

Which, after maybe thirty minutes or so, lead to Amanda overhearing an… _Interesting_ … Conversation…

«Todd, you need to tell her… Don’t look at me like that. You have to tell her the truth about this. Keeping it in like this isn’t doing any of you good,» she heard Dirk whisper in a way-too-loud voice.

And Todd’s reply (in a very tired, very exasperated voice) was what made her stiffen a little. «It’s not important. Not like she wants to know, anyways. It’s not- It’s not important. Can we- Can we drop it? Please? I’m- I don’t want to talk about it now. Just- Focus on walking, Dirk… I don’t want us too fall.»

A chill went down her spine and she forced herself too look forward. Something in his reply reminded her of something she couldn’t quite remember, but it was nothing good. It was wrong. It _screamed_ wrong.

She needed to get to the bottom of this.   


And soon.

«Fine, Todd. I won’t force you. But please consider; you might not have the chance to actually _tell_ her.»

Something was _defiantly_ wrong.

And the implications of that sentence made her feel sick.

_You might not have the chance to actually tell her._

What did he mean by that?

She wanted to ask him, she really did, but she knew they had to hurry to get to the car in time, so she bit her lip and refrained from turning around.

Amanda would, however, learn what was wrong. She had to.

She might be furious at him, but he was still her brother.

_«Tell her.»_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, next, to have a hike through the woods with the ten little misfits. And Amanda worrying endlessly for her friends. And don't worry folks! There will be plenty of angst going around, not just between the siblings!
> 
> Though I do want to say; this story mainly focuses on the sibling relationship between Amanda and Todd, but will also focus around Dirk and Farah. The Rowdies and Ken and Bart will probably not have such a big presence in this, but they might have some. Just a heads-up I suppose. 
> 
> And I'm sorry if the quality is bad, it was a tough chapter. And sorry for any mistakes
> 
> (Also yes, Amanda thinks Dirk and Todd are cute together.)
> 
> Until next time; see ya!


	6. Moron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camping trips are so much fun! Especially with your crush!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter than the last (my apology), but it's here at least...
> 
> No warnings in particular, just some language.

They had been walking for almost two hours, with only minimal breaks. Amanda could feel her body begin to seriously protest the walking, but she forced herself to keep on going. She might be very hungry and slightly cold, but stopping now wasn’t an option.

Besides, the rest of the group (with the exception of Farah and Vogel) were worse of than her.

And some (read; Dirk) were complaining… Almost like a child in a car…

«How far away are we? My feet hurt. Like, I think they might be bleeding. Wait, are they bleeding? I’m pretty sure they are. And my _stomach._ God does it hurt. And am I the only one freezing my fingers off? I can’t be the only one. Are we there yet? And-»

Amanda was a little surprised when Dirk stopped talking (or more like babbling), and she turned her head to make sure he didn’t pass out. Only to find Todd - who was heavily leaning onto Dirk - telling Dirk something. Dirk nodded at him, before (thank heavens) falling silent and instead talking in a more hushed tone.

She was - kind of - surprised that Todd managed to silence him without becoming angry. He had looked more… Tired. Not angry or frustrated, just… Tired… It kind of worried her.

It kind of worried her a lot.

Amanda frowned softly, before she focused her gaze firmly in front of her. She had to focus. She could think about everything when they reached the other car. She could let herself think when they’d put up the tents (because it was getting late, and they didn’t want to be caught driving in the woods by a helicopter) and gotten into warm clothes and gotten something to eat.

So right now, she couldn’t focus on how Dirk and Todd behaved (was it her, or did Dirk’s voice earlier sound… Wavering?). She had to focus on walking… Walking…

Though one thought was stuck on her mind; what had Blackwing done to her friends?

* * *

When they finally reached the van, Amanda thought she might just pass out. She was _so_ tired, and oh was she hungry. She fished up the keys from her pocket, before unlocking the big van.

«Okay,» Farah stated loudly as the rest of the group came to where the two of them stood, «We can’t drive tonight, because we might draw attention to ourselves. We’ll have to sleep here until morning, before we can get to the safe-house.»

«And we have tents and food, so it’ll be like a camping trip,» Amanda quipped as she began pulling out the backpacks Farah and her had prepared last night. Amanda could still remember how they’d been running around the house, trying to find everything they’d need for today. Tents, food, sleeping bags, sleeping mats-

«Wait… Farah, we only have eight sleeping bags and mats. We didn’t count on taking two extra.» Dammit, even with trying to prepare for everything, they still weren’t prepared. «Shit…»

«Oh. Well, that… That’s… Ok, so what we’ll have to do is, well… Two people have to share, then. Somebody has to be awake to keep watch, so they won’t be sleeping for a while… We’ll get back to that, just- Let’s just focus on getting the tents up first, okay? And getting something to eat. We’ll- We’ll solve the sleeping problem afterwards,» Farah ranted, before she turned to the others. «Let’s start with unpacking.»

And with that, everybody got to work. Farah assigned tent-assembly to the Rowdies (who were surprisingly good at putting up a tent), finding wood and sticks to the assassin (Bart, as she was gruffly informed) and Ken (very politely), before turning to Dirk and Todd, who were sitting on the ground beside the car.

«We need somebody to make food. And no, Dirk, you are not making food. Todd, I trust you can make food? Because Amanda can’t make anything edible-» Amanda looked with an offended look towards Farah, «-and Dirk can’t either-» Dirk looked downright insulted, «-and God knows what the Rowdies can make. I can barely make food, so I’d be very, very, _very_ happy if you could cook for us. Taken into account that you, you know, _can_ cook.»

Todd looked up at Farah (he looked tired, worse than she’d ever seen him), before he nodded and smiled thinly. «I can,» was the hoarse reply.

«Ok, good. Here-» Farah dumped one of the backpacks beside the two men, «-is everything you need. Bart will come with firewood soon, but everything for a meal should be there.»

Two nods where the responses Farah got.

«Good. We’ll- We’ll leave you to it.»

Amanda stood there for a second, just watching as her brother began with shaky hands to open the backpack and begin to (slowly) take things out.

She would probably have stood there for quite a while, had it not been for Farah pulling her arm. «We should unpack the rest,» she told Amanda, her tone gentle yet firm.

«Yeah, of course,» Amanda replied, her voice a little distant. She just couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was wrong. It had something to do with the way Todd’s hands where shaking, the look Dirk gave Todd, the way Dirk held his left arm, and just the general way they were acting. It felt… Wrong.

It unsettled her.

Farah nudged her arm gently, before leading Amanda with her towards the van. Amanda, however, couldn’t shake off the feeling of wrongness that had washed over her.

She looked at Farah and frowned slightly.

«I know you’re worried. I’m worried too. But right now- right now we have to focus on getting everybody warm and fed. Then we can focus on the damage. Ok? Ok. Now, the thing with sleeping arrangements.» Farah looked at her with a strange look, before turning to the backpack full of blankets, clothes and pillows. «Since, you know, someone has to keep watch at all times, we could, you know… Share. Not- Well, because we both know we’re the best choices, and well, since one of us is going to keep watch, then we don’t have to sleep, so it would make the most sense, wouldn’t it? So you know, we just switch when we switch whose going to keep watch. Is- Is that alright with you?»

Amanda felt her cheeks begin to warm up and her heartbeat speeding up. It made her head swarm and her breath hitch. Oh God how she crushed on this woman. _Fuck_.

«Uh, I uh… Well, you- We- I, uh,» was all Amanda could manage to get out, her heart beating so hard she thought it might just break through her ribcage.

«If- If you don’t want that, I can totally understand-» Farah began, her voice sounding a little bit dejected

«No! I meant to say; yeah… Yeah, we could- We could do that. It’s fine by me, really. Just- Yeah. We can share,» Amanda interrupted, before her whole face turned as red as a tomato. She was such an idiot. Why couldn’t she just… _Not_ act like a complete idiot? _Especially_ in front of her crush?

She was such a moron sometimes.

«Oh. Well, good. I mean, in the sense of that we fixed one of the sleeping arrangements… We still have one left, but, you know… We’ll fix that afterwards. When it’s needed to.»

«Yeah, yeah. Um, I’ll go see how it’s going with the Rowdies, to see how they’re doing. Yeah I’ll, uh, yeah,» Amanda mumbled, before slowly backing up towards where the aforementioned Rowdies were putting up the tent. God, was she useless.

She was such a moron. She was rendered a total babbling fool in front of Farah as of late. God, what she must be _thinking_ of her. She was a total idiot. Total, blushing, babbling moron.

Amanda flopped down onto the patch of grass next to where her friends where working, burying her blushing face into her hands. She was _so_ in love.

«I am _such_ a fucking moron…»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the shortness, and if there's any mistakes. I was struggling with this chapter for a while, but I managed to finish it. Though it became shorter than I wanted, it's here nevertheless. 
> 
> Next chapter will focus more on, well, the group, and we'll discover who will have to be the second pair sharing sleeping accomondations.
> 
> (Also, yes Bart and Ken told their names to the group, and yes Farah recognizes them)
> 
> ALSO: It has come to my attention that some people aren't familar with these «» instead of "", so I want to ask you guys; would you want me to change it to ""? Because I would gladly do it, if you guys feel it's annoying or bothersome. I use them because they're a version we use in Norway, and the program I use to write in automaticly changes "" into «». But if you want it to change, just say so and I'll see what I can do!
> 
> Until next time; see ya!  
> (I also have a Tumblr where you can ask me questions, see my artwork and headcanons. Check my profile if you're interested!)


	7. Vegetable Soup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soup, warm fires and blankets are the best way to spend time with your friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is 3k, hoo boy. It took forever to write, and there might be (a lot) mistakes. So sorry for that.
> 
> And I just want to begin with; thank you all so much for leaving kudos, and thank you all who commented. Your comments make my day, truly. Thank you all.
> 
> Warnings for slight language.

After her little, well, _embarrassing_ episode, Amanda helped the Rowdy Three fix the tent, before blowing up all of the small mattresses and lying them inside. Amanda couldn’t help but think that they were incredibly lucky Patrick Spring had been as paranoid as he was. If not, they wouldn’t have the awesome, big tent (read: castle) that could house around twelve people, _and_ all of the sleeping bags and mattresses.

But even with so much stuff, they still didn’t have enough for everyone.

Amanda sighed, before she walked out of the tent, and over to where Farah, Dirk, Todd, Bart and Ken were seated beside a fire. They had used picnic blankets as something to sit on, and most of them were wrapped in a blanket (and Bart was looking more like a burrito where she was sitting, with what was probably four blankets).

As she walked over to the fire, she could see that they had placed a pot over the fire which was currently being stirred by Todd. Dirk was sitting next to him, babbling on about _something_. They were both tucked in blankets (Dirk’s was a bright yellow one. Of _course_ ), and Dirk seemed to be content that he could be close to a source of warmth.

Todd, however, seemed to be very tired. His head was halfway dropped, and his arm was moving in slow, slow circles in the pot. He was clutching the blanket close to his body, and his eyes were constantly dropping. It seemed that Dirk’s talking was keeping him awake, but only barely.

Something twisted in Amanda’s stomach. Something was wrong. Even if Dirk was talking a mile a minute, his voice was shaking just slightly, and it sounded… Off…

It sounded so… Un-Dirk-ish.

It worried her greatly.

When she got up to them, she flopped beside Farah (after a little inner debate, of course) and grabbed one of the spare blankets.

«So… When’s the food done?» Amanda asked, trying to sound cheerful and upbeat. She didn’t have to share her worries. At least not now.

«Oh, it should be soon! It smells great, by the way. And tastes wonderful. Todd let me taste, and let me say it is the most _wonderful_ thing I have tasted in ages. Though the only thing I have been eating for the past months was a grey goop. And the grey goop does not taste good, let me tell you that,» Dirk answered, his voice having an overly positive tone to it, and his words were rushed. «Everything’s better than the grey goop.»

A noise came from where Bart was nestled in her blankets. «Ew. Tasted like paper.»

«That was the point, though. To be as cheap as possible so they didn’t waste any money,» Ken - who sat beside Bart, wrapped in his own blanket - responded, looking into the flames. «They didn’t care if it tasted like shit.»

«Still, they should have at least given us something that tasted a little bit more like food and less than cardboard,» Dirk said, looking somewhat sullen. «Even _I_ could have made something better.»

Before Amanda - who had tasted some of Dirk’s food - could respond, somebody beat her to it.

«No, Dirk, you couldn’t. You’d poison everyone…» Todd countered, his eyes closed and his hand still stirring in the pot. «It was food… Be happy you got food, Dirk…»

Dirk looked at Todd with slightly wide eyes, and Amanda swore Dirk seemed paler. She halfway expected somebody to counter him with their own opinion, but nobody did. Bart was nestled in her blankets once again, and Ken looked into the fire.

The feeling of _wrong wrong wrong_ bubbled in Amanda’s stomach, and she knew something was up. Something nobody was telling her, and it - to be quite frank - pissed her off. She didn’t want to be left out of the loop. She wasn’t a child, she _deserved_ to know what was wrong. However, she knew she couldn’t confront them about it right now. She wasn’t in the mood for a fight.

«You’re- You’re right. Um, you- you seem tired. I can help with making it. I can help,» Dirk said after a long, long time of silence.

«No, I’m fine Dirk…» Todd sighed, but he did give Dirk the spoon. «Don’t burn it. Just stir gently, all the time…»

Amanda frowned and looked at them. That seemed… Wrong… In the week she’d seen Dirk and Todd interact, they’d never acted like _this_. Sure, there was a soft fire in Todd’s words, but it was soft and barely there… Like the ghost of a previous flame.

Dirk just nodded and did as he was told. There was no chirpy or happy comment, or any chatter. He kept on stirring while sometimes sneaking a glance at Todd, who was slumped against his side.

It all screamed _wrong_.

They were too silent, too compliant… Too… Different…

What had Blackwing _done_ to them?

* * *

After what felt like an eternity of just sitting there and starving, Amanda finally got a bowl of whatever soup Todd (and Dirk) had made. She held the warm bowl in her hands as the rest of the group got their own bowl.

Amanda took a spoonful of the warm soup (it appeared to be a vegetable soup), she looked over to where Dirk and Todd where sitting. Todd seemed to be more alert and awake, and he was even talking to Dirk in a low voice. However, he wasn’t exactly _holding_ his bowl of soup.

Instead it was placed on his legs, and he was holding a spoon firmly in his left hand (that… was the wrong hand…). The other hand was holding the bowl in place. He was sitting hunched forward in a position that did _not_ look pleasant.

Dirk, on the other hand, was holding his bowl with both hands and sipping it as if it was a beverage. He seemed happy to have the warm bowl in his hands, as he made a soft, content noise.  
«This is good, Todd. It’s so wonderful and tasty and _warm,_ and you are a _wonderful_ cook did you know that?» Dirk exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear as he held his bowl.

Todd barely looked up, but Amanda swore his cheeks were a slight pink. «…Thanks…»

Even if she might not be able to tell what was wrong with her brother, Amanda knew her brother well enough; he seemed to be smitten. The blush that adored his cheeks was _not_ just because he was flattered. She knew her brother better than that.

And besides, he was not permitted to have a crush on Farah. Farah was _hers_ to crush on now.

As the thought struck her head, her cheeks too began to turn a pink color.

_‘It seems that both of us are smitten with someone,’_ Amanda thought, looking down into her bowl of soup. Her heart had begun to beat faster even at the _mentions_ of her feelings toward Farah. The other woman just _did_ something to her, something amazing.

Oh she was _such_ a sap.

As she sat there, trying to hide her blush in her bowl of soup, she could hear the rest of the group say their positive opinions of the soup (even Bart rasped out a «’s good»).

When she looked over at him, she caught how Todd’s eyes seemed to softly sparkle with pride, before they dulled to a more slight shine of joy. Even if it was small, it was a soft joy nonetheless.

It counted as something.

* * *

 

They ate mostly in silence after that, the only disrupting thing was Dirk’s voice here and there. But other than that, things were mostly silent.

Darkness began to take over the light, and soon everything was dark except the orange glow that came from the crackling fire. In the far distance, the sound of birds singing could be heard, as well as the noise of the wind in the trees. The air around them began to get colder and colder, until the group of ten were all nestled up in blankets.

After the meal was finished and packed away, most of the group found themselves too tired to stay up. The first to go into the tent were (surprisingly) Bart, who took the sleeping bag in on of the far corners. Followed after her were Gripps, Cross, Martin and a somewhat reluctant Vogel.

That only left Amanda, Dirk, Farah and Todd sitting outside by the fire.

Amanda yawned as she stretched her arms above her head, feeling her own body scream for some sleep. However, there was something she was forgetting…

«Oh! There’s still one sleeping bag too little!» she gasped, looking at the three others. «Fuck, I totally forgot!»

«There’s only two left?» Dirk asked, in which Amanda nodded with a somewhat guilty expression. «Todd and I can share, can’t we? We shared the same cell for months, so it wouldn’t be a problem, would it Todd? Besides, there was this one week were we had this tiny, tiny cot we were supposed to sleep on. Somehow we managed it, even though I’m _sure_ the floor would be better to sleep on.»

Amanda, thinking that her brother _probably_ wouldn’t want to share a bed with someone, was about to object, was beaten to it.

«We can. It’s no problem,» Todd said, his head finally rising from where it had been resting on his chest. His eyes were halfway closed and he looked about ready to fall asleep then and there.

«See? No problem. Todd is fine with it, I’m fine with it, so there is no problem! No need to worry about it, at all,» Dirk said, his voice filled with that hollow happiness that had appeared since they rescued them.

Todd nodded softly before a yawn escaped from his mouth. «I think… I’m going to sleep…» he told the three of them, before he stood up (with shaky legs, Amanda noted) and walked over to the tent.

«I think I’ll try to get some sleep, too. Goodnight Amanda, goodnight Farah,» Dirk said before he followed after Todd into the tent, leaving Amanda and Farah alone by the fire.

«I uh, I can take the first shift. So you can get some sleep. I- I’m not tired, and so, you know… It’s better if I stay awake and keep watch,» Farah proposed as they looked at each other. The way Farah was looking at her (with a protective, gentle expression) made her heartbeat speed up _just_ a little and her cheeks becoming a slight pink.

She was so fucking gay.

«Uh, yes, yeah sure. Yeah, I’m- I’m _so_ tired, so I think- I think I need some sleep. Um, wake me up when you’re tired? So then I can take the next shift. I’ll- I’ll probably wake Martin so he can take the shift after me. Or some of the other boys. Yeah… Um, goodnight Farah…»

Amanda barely stayed for the «Good night, Amanda» before she hurriedly walked over to the tent, and inside it. Her cheeks were a bright pink, and she could feel her chest aching with emotions. She was crushing so hard, it was making it hard to breathe sometimes. It was just, Farah _did_ something to her. She made Amanda feel like she was being hugged by something warm and fuzzy. It made her all lightheaded and left her with a wonderful feeling.

She had never really felt this way before, at least, never in this degree. Sure, she’d dated other girls before, but no-one left her feeling like this.

Nobody left her feeling as if she was being swept in a blanket of clouds.

It was the most wondrous feeling.

Amanda walked over to where the only available mat was, and sat down on it. She had dragged with her her blanket, and was now wrapping it around herself. As she took the sleeping bag to unfold, her gaze travelled over to where two certain people were sleeping.

It was cute, she had to admit.

Dirk and Todd was lying in the same sleeping bag, on the same mat. Dirk was facing her, and by straining her neck, Amanda could see that her brother was facing Dirk’s back.

Okay, it was adorable.

Todd seemed to be fast asleep, his eyes closed and a soft snoring noise coming from him.

And at first glance, it seemed Dirk was sleeping, too. At least Amanda thought so as she begun to wiggle herself into her sleeping bag.

«…Amanda?» she heard Dirk whisper as she snuggled into her bag. «…Thank you. For- For saving us, I mean. I… Well, I did, but the rest didn’t… _Really_ … Believe we could escape… Ken and Todd certainly didn’t… But there you were! In brilliant glory, saving us all! Like superheroes! And I’m very, _very_ grateful for that. It was _horrendous_ in there… So, thank you… It was incredible.»

Amanda felt pride swell in her chest at what the Brit was saying, and a smile tugged at her lips. «No problem, dude,» she whispered back, «How couldn’t we? You’re our friend- Our _family_. I’m not for leaving family nor friends behind. So of course we were going to save you.»

«…Even Todd?» The question caught her off-guard, and a frown appeared on her face. That… Was… Unexpected.

«What…? Of course, he’s- He’s my brother. Why- Why wouldn’t I save him…?» Amanda responded, hushed, feeling something twist in her chest (Guilt? Sorrow? Was she wounded, offended? Angered?).

«I thought you were angry with him. I thought you hated him for lying to you, for cheating you,» Dirk sounded calm as he whispered his response.

«Yeah, I’m angry with him, but- Of course I would save him. He’s my brother. He may be an ass, but he’s still family. I don’t- I don’t abandon family.»

«Oh. Well, in my experience people don’t really do that, no matter if they’re family or friends. Well, except you and Todd, that is… But you’re still angry with him. Why?» Dirk whispered, looking at her with a calm (and far too awake) gaze.

«Because- Because he lied! He tricked me and cheated me and made me believe I could be better! What kind of asshole brother _does_ that?» Amanda tried her best to keep her voice in a low, whispering tone, but it was hard when Dirk kept asking question Amanda wasn’t quite sure how to answer. «I- Can we- Can we drop it? Just… Please?»

Dirk seemed to stiffen, and Amanda realized her voice (however low) might have come across as cross. «Oh. That’s- Sure. I’m sorry. I… I understand. I totally understand how you feel,» he responded, his voice keeping that eerily calm tone.

While her frustration and anger had come forth at the mentions of her anger towards her brother, it began to fade as the silence between them dragged on. It was just- She needed time for herself, so she could figure everything out. So she could know how she felt.

The silence was deafening as she laid there, looking up at the roof of the tent. Her thoughts were racing a mile a minute, until they finally began to simmer down.

There was, however, one thought that kept nagging her. The last thing he said… It sounded… Off… How did he understand how she felt? She didn’t know what it was, but something told her that it had something to do with the CIA…

Something was so wrong.

Which reminded her…

«Dirk? Why’s- Why’s Todd acting like this..? You- You said something, in the woods. I heard you. You said something about ‘telling her’. What was it? And don’t lie to me,» Amanda asked, her voice as stern as she could make it while she whispered.  
«What? Uh, I don’t- I don’t know-,» with a stern gaze from her, Dirk gulped softly before looking away, «…I’m not the person to tell you. He begged me not to, and I’ve been trying to get him to. He wants to tell you himself, buuuut… Well… He doesn’t want to do it here. But I do promise you, he will tell you. He promised me, and he’s going to keep the promise. I know it.»

Amanda frowned as she looked at him. She didn’t like it. She didn’t like how they kept the truth from her. She wasn’t a child, she deserved to know the truth. «And when is that? You said something about ‘telling her before it’s to late’. I’m sick of people lying to me. Dirk, I _need_ to know.»

«I, uh… I can’t! I can’t tell you! Todd will be furious if I do, well, if he has the _energy_ to be furious. These last few weeks he’s been _way_ too tired to even feel irritated. That is to be expected from what he’s been through, but-»

Just as suddenly as he’d opened his mouth, he shut it firmly. He looked away, a guilty look overtaking his features.

«What- What did he go through? What- What happened to him?»

«I said too much… I’m- Sorry, sorry, but- I can’t. I really can’t tell. I can’t. He _has_ to do it himself. I’m sorry Amanda, but I can’t tell you… I’m sorry… Please don’t ask me…» Dirk whispered, his voice sounding defeated.

And Amanda knew, by the tone of his voice, that she shouldn’t ask anymore. He’d- He’d listened to her when she asked him to stop, so she would do too… It was only fair.

«I, uh… Okay… Um… Goodnight, Dirk…» she mumbled to him, before she turned around. Her heart clenched, and fear began to bubble in her stomach. Everything in her screamed that something was wrong, that something wasn’t right.

She would figure it out. She had to.

Amanda could hear Dirk mumble a «Goodnight» before everything became silent once again…

The only noises that could be heard was the crackling of the fire and the soft, distant chirps of birds…

And that was what swept her into a blissful sleep…

_Chirp — Chirp — Chirp_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dirk spoils a little too much for his own good, doesn't he? We all love him nevertheless.
> 
> I'm sorry if the quality isn't exactly there, but I at least managed to post this chapter, and a conversation with Dirk and Amanda. Now on to see what Dirk and Todd are hiding...
> 
> Until then; see ya!


	8. Blankets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda watches a fire, and somebody comes to join her in her fire-sitting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, first off; I'm VERY sorry for the lack update. I got sick last week, and I had no ability to finish the chapter (I had barely begun). Still, I'm really sorry for not updating. I hope I can get back to my weekly schedule. And hopefully this 2k chapter will be satisfying.
> 
> Warnings: This chapter is a little bit darker than previous ones. It touches on some really dark themes, though only briefly and in mentions. But it does contain; mentions of past depression and past drug-abuse, and some other dark themes. So if you have any questions about what it contains before reading it, please don't be afraid to ask me on my Tumblr (on my Profile).  
> This chapter also contains a lot of swearing.

Something was shaking her shoulder… Amanda groaned and tried to bury herself deeper into her sleeping bag, a soft «No…» leaving her mouth.

«Amanda… Wake up…» a soft voice was telling her, laughter hidden in the tone of their voice.

It was a sweet voice. It was so pleasant to listen to. Like water drops falling from a roof, or the flow of the wind. Or something just as nice. Amanda wanted to just lie there and listen, to just hear the voice speak forever.

She made a noise of protest as the hand shook her shoulder. Instead of the hand retracting, she was rewarded with a soft laugh. «Amanda, wake up. It’s your shift.»

Amanda finally opened her eyes, though it didn’t make any difference. It was too dark to see anything, but she _did_ recognize the voice. «…Farah?»

«Yes. I’m sorry to disturb you, but it’s your time to sit watch, remember?» Farah told her in a soft voice.

«Oh… I’m up, I’m up… I’m already up…» Amanda murmured, slowly sitting up and wiping her face with her hands. «I’m up…»

While she couldn’t quite see Farah’s face, Amanda knew by the tone of her voice that she was amused when she said; «Yeah, I can totally see that…»

Amanda made a noise, before she (reluctantly) got out of the sleeping bag. She rubbed at her eyes as she looked up at Farah.

«Help me up,» Amanda mumbled sleepily as she held her arms up towards Farah. This routine was familiar. Amanda had a tendency to sleep in, and Farah would usually be the one waking her («You can’t sleep away the day Amanda»), and most of the days she would literally have to _pull_ her out of bed.

Hey, Amanda liked laying in bed. It was soft and warm.

Who knew rich guys had so comfy beds?

Farah made an amused noise as she grasped Amanda’s hands and pulled her up on her feet. «There you go,» Farah told her in a soft voice, before gently pushing her towards the exit of the tent. «Now, get out and sit watch. Your book is out there too, by the way. _Try_ not to fall asleep.»

Amanda only gave Farah two thumbs up, before realizing the other woman _probably_ couldn’t see it. «Sure thing, boss.»

If Amanda had been a _little_ less tired, maybe she wouldn’t have acted like a complete child. However, she was so fucking tired she might’ve just passed out had it not been for the sense of purpose in her chest.

She could hear Farah laugh silently before Amanda poked her head out of the tent and wandered over to where the fire was still burning strong. She felt exhausted and tired, and her head was filled with cotton and clouds.

Couldn’t she just sleep?

Amanda yawned as she stretched her arms over her head, her joints popping and crackling. It felt good to be able to stretch herself and get the resounding _pop!_ of her joints stretching. Especially after sleeping in the wilderness on a thin air mattress.

God, she couldn’t wait to get home and into the big, comfy bed.

Maybe she could even _somehow_ convince Farah to sleep beside her. Oh wasn’t that something. A soft sigh escaped Amanda’s lips as she sunk down beside the fire and wrapped herself in the blankets that were lying there. What she would give for that…

Amanda stared into the fire as she let her mind wander. She wished she could become _more_ with Farah, but… Farah probably didn’t feel that way towards her.

But a girl could dream, couldn’t she?

As she sat there, nuzzled in a couple of blankets, she let herself think. It was pleasant, to sit by the fire and be able to think about her fluffy emotions around Farah. It was nice, it was good.

And so she sat there, just thinking, with a soft smile on her lips.

 

—

 

Amanda had been contently reading when she heard it.

She had been sitting by the fire for maybe two hours now, and she’d only just begun reading. Her heartbeat automatically quickened as she looked up and to where the sound was coming from.

And was surprised by what she saw coming out of the tent.

Her brother was coming out of the tent, hunched over and his movements slow as he walked over to the fire. His head was lowered and it seemed like his gaze was trained firmly on the fuzzy socks Amanda had rented to him (per Dirk’s request earlier).

Amanda furrowed her brows as she watched as Todd slowly made it over to the fire and sat down at the spot he had occupied earlier that day. It was weird, watching him like this. He made no greeting, he didn’t even acknowledge her. He just sat there, his eyes staring into the fire and wrapping his arms around his legs.

It was disconcerting, to say the least.

Before, he at _least_ acknowledged her presence, but now?

Now, it almost looked like he hadn’t even seen her.

A lump formed in Amanda’s throat as she looked at her brother with a worried look. She might not have come to terms with everything he’d done (and that was to say it mildly), but she still _cared_ about him, worried about him.

The silence that wrapped around them was suffocating, and it made her worry grow tenfolds. Her brother wasn’t acting like himself, not at all. He was… He was…

It was almost like High School, just… _Worse_ …

Much worse.

After a long time, Amanda decided to finally break the silence. Her worry only grew as each second ticked by. This wasn’t normal. While she knew Todd had problems, she also knew he was very good at hiding it. He’d hid that he was depressed almost up to his senior year, until he had what they both dubbed «A Bad Day» while they were alone in the house.

Amanda knew he would’ve ended up doing much worse than just breaking down and crying had she not been there.

And at times, it made her heart twist just at the fact of what her brother had been through. She herself had never had to go through that, but _he_ had. It hurt to know that he’d gotten so much trouble just because of who he was.

The lump in her throat became worse at the thought, and she cleared her throat.

At least that got a response from Todd, even if it was a startled flinch.

«Todd?» She looked over at him with a worried look. He looked startled, like he wasn’t even aware that anybody were there.

«…Amanda?» Todd’s voice was rough and raspy, and he finally turned his head in her direction. His eyes were halfway opened, and they seemed glassy and dull. His skin was pale and he had dark bags under his eyes.

He looked sick, to say the least.

But that wasn’t what occupied her mind. It was the _way_ he said her name. Like he didn’t believe she was there, that she was real. As if she was just a figment of his imagination. It sent of alarms in the back of her mind, but she ignored it.

«Yes..? Todd, I think you should get some more sleep, you don’t look too-»

«No. No, no, I don’t- I’m not tired, really… I’m not- not tired,» Todd interrupted her, his voice an unsteady rasp. «I… I’m… No…»

Amanda frowned at him. He was stuttering and uncertain. He was only like that if he was nervous, uncertain, under stress or having some form of Bad Day (and to be honest, she was thinking it would be the latter).

«You can’t sleep,» Amanda finished for him, looking over at him with worried eyes.

Todd nodded, looking down at his hands - which were now lying in his lap - and took a deep breath. «I’ve- I’ve been awake for- for a while… I- I didn’t want to- to wake Dirk, with- with all my shifting… I… I can go back inside, if- if you want-»

Before she had the time to think of it, she raised her hand to silence him. «No, Todd, it’s fine. You can stay here if you don’t want to sleep… But, I don’t think you’re fit to take my watch.» Her voice was stern, yet somewhat kind. She knew her words could sound a little harsh, but she didn’t really care about that. Amanda knew her brother wasn’t fit to take her watch, and she would tell him so.

And, in other words, that meant Amanda would sit here, too. She wasn’t leaving, just because he was here.

Even though a part of her really didn’t want to confront her feelings just yet.

«…Thank you,» came the hoarse reply from where Todd was sitting, some ways away from her.

«No problem,» she responded, a soft and small smile tugging at her lips. It caused her some joy to see her brother so grateful, even if it was just for such a small thing like sitting with her.

And so they sat there, in silence for a while. Amanda resumed to reading her book when Todd made no inquiries to wanting to have a chat with her. He made no noise at all. The only thing he did was pull his legs tighter to his chest and rest his chin on his knees.

That was all he did.

Amanda’s worry began to rise in her chest, but she pushed it down as she tried to focus on her reading. She did manage to read for maybe twenty minutes until she noticed that something wasn’t quite right. Meaning; her brother was shaking. He was shaking like a fucking leaf in a winters storm.

«Todd?» Amanda asked, putting her book down beside her and looking at her brother with a worried frown. «Todd, are you okay?»

It didn’t seem like he heard her. He was shaking more violently than he had previously done, and it looked like he had his eyes firmly closed. His hands seemed to be the worst; they were shaking and twitching almost at every odd second.

It kind of freaked her out, to see him like that.

Had she not known any better, she might’ve thought he was OD’ing… Like when-

No, she couldn’t think about that. Now was not the time to think about such dark themes. Not now.

Hopefully she never had to think about it again.

«Todd?» she asked again, a little bit more forcefully. That seemed to do the trick. Todd flinched, before his head slowly rose from where it rested on his knees, his eyes only halfway opened.  
«…What..?» Todd murmured, and Amanda could see his teeth chattering. He seemed to be cold.

Without another word, Amanda grabbed all of her blankets, and walked over to where Todd was sitting. Silently, she wrapped a couple of them around her brother, before wrapping one around herself.

All the while, Todd’s gaze was following her motions. His face was filled with disbelief, as if what she was doing was something he’d never expected to happen. As if he didn’t _believe_ it happened.

(Somewhere, inside of her, it hurt to know that Todd didn’t believe she could still be kind to him. That she cared. It simply hurt.)  
«I couldn’t let you freeze, idiot. You don’t have to look at me like I have a second head, you know,» Amanda told him, her voice carrying a sort of fondness in it.

Todd stared at her for a while, the same look on his face, before a soft, weak smile came over his lips. «Oh… Thank- Thank you…»

«You’re welcome, idiot. Next time, just _ask_ for a blanket.»

Her brother didn’t respond, but the smile stayed on his face as he closed his eyes. He seemed tired, exhausted.

Something was not right. Not right at all.

And Amanda worried that she wouldn’t get to know what was wrong until it was too late.

She really hoped he would open up to her soon, before something bad happened.

Although, a part of her knew it wouldn’t be so easy.

They were Brotzman’s.

Bad luck followed them everywhere.

And Amanda prayed that for once in their lives, luck would be on their side.

(It wasn’t, though.)

(It never was.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo boy. Did I mention this would be angsty? There is more angst to come my friends! Along with sibling bonding and shameless Faranda and Brotzly/Dodd of course!
> 
> Also; thanks to everybody who left kudos and kind messages. They make my day!
> 
> Until next time; see ya!


	9. Remembering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look at the past, with the Brotzman siblings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short (barely 1.3k), but it's at least a chapter. Sorry for the long wait. And sorry if it's messy and all over the place.
> 
> It's set in the past, probably when Todd was 17, and Amanda 14-15.
> 
> Warnings; this chapter hints to depression, bullying, bi -and homophobia, and it also hints to self-destructive behaviors. Most of these are brief, but this chapter isn't a happy one.

Amanda looked up from her homework, a frown on her face. Something didn’t feel… _Right_. The feeling was lodged into her chest, and she felt it grow as every second ticked past.   


She turned of her music as she looked towards the hallway to where the bedrooms were. Todd was awfully silent today. He had come home, made her a sandwich before he retreated to his room (but not before ruffling her hair which was _not_ ok, her hair had been standing in _every_ direction). While Todd normally did stay in his room almost all day long, it was unusual for him to not be around them when they were alone at home.

It worried her, slightly.   


Amanda rose slowly as she looked down the hall again. The house stayed ever silent as Amanda walked towards the hall and to where her brother’s room was.   


As she reached the door, she stopped and frowned. No noise came from the room, either. No sound of music playing inside, no sound of _anything_ , really.   


Just silence.

Amanda frowned again as she knocked on the door. She wasn’t as clueless as her brother liked to proclaim. She always knew when something wasn’t right. It was a feeling she got in her stomach that twisted and turned until it moved to her lungs and filled them with fire.   


And right now, the fire had begun to crackle in her lungs.

She held out her hand and gently knocked on the wooden door, not wanting to barge in on her brother. While they may be close - closer than any of Amanda’s friends’ siblings - she knew that Todd still valued privacy.

Her parents just brushed it of as «being a moody teenager», but Amanda knew Todd a little better than that. She knew he had things he wasn’t ready to tell people - and with good reasons, too.

Amanda shuddered softly as she remembered how Todd’s classmates had behaved around him after the truth came out.

She still remembered the day when Todd cam home, a split, swollen lip, a black eye and scrapes and bruises along his arms. She had been so scared for him, and so worried for her brother’s welfare.

_«Some people are just cruel»_ Amanda remembered Todd telling her when she asked why he’d been beaten. _«They don’t need need any reason to be. Heck, the only reason they need is somebody being different.»_

Amanda frowned as she looked at the door, feeling her fear grow. It wasn’t like Todd not to answer. He would _always_ answer her when she knocked on his door, especially if they were alone in the house.

_«Sometimes, you just- just have to accept that things are different. I’m different, so- so I’ll be treated differently. It’s fine, Amanda, don’t you worry. I’m **fine** ,»_ she remembered Todd telling her after she’d expressed her concern over the bruises. He’d hugged her afterwards, telling her that everything was going to be fine. And, he could deal with it.   


She didn’t believe him then, and she didn’t believe he was fine now.

Amanda knocked again on the door, a little bit more forcefully. «Todd? Todd, are you in there?»

Silence was the only response she got, and Amanda begun to bite her lip. She didn’t like this, not at all. It was all so- It wasn’t _right_. «Todd-?»

«Huh? Yeah uh, I’m, um… I’m fine- Uh, what- what did you- what do you w-want?» she finally heard her brother respond, but his voice worried her beyond reason. His voice was shaky and weak, and it almost sounded… Teary…

That wasn’t like him.

«Todd? Can I- Can I come in…?» Amanda asked, her voice carrying the fear that she felt deep in her chest, that made her throat tighten and her hands twitch.

«Um, no- I’m- I’m bus-busy, I’m-» A sob broke him off, which made Amanda even more worried. Her brother barely ever cried. That- That wasn’t like him. «‘Mandy, please don’t- Don’t come in…»

«Todd…? What’s going on? I don’t- Todd-»

«…I’m sorry, Amanda… I’m- Fuck, I don’t… I’m not- Don’t come in… You- You shouldn’t- It’s not…» Todd’s voice seemed small, broken… It made her heart ache and her fear increase, yet she didn’t open the door. A part of her was scared for what she would find inside.

She was, therefore, surprised that the door cracked open to reveal Todd standing there, hunched over and eyes downcast, and his left arm was behind the door. «I’m… Sorry… For scaring you…»

«Todd, that’s bullshit- You don’t- You don’t have to be sorry, especially if you’re not ready to- to talk and-»

«No, Amanda,» Todd interrupted her, his eyes sad and red, his cheeks stained with tears, «This isn’t how- how it should be… I shouldn’t… Shouldn’t…» His voice broke and one hand - his right - covered his mouth as his eyes closed firmly shut. It hurt her so intensely to see him so- so… _Heartbroken_.

Amanda’s arms found themselves around her brother, and she was hugging him tightly. She was shorter than him, and so she was left nuzzling her nose to his chest, trying to show him that she was there.

She’d always be there when he needed her.

At least she would try.

Not long after she had begun hugging him, she felt one of his arms curl around her, and his face pressing at the top of her head. His shoulders were shaking with his sobs.

It broke her heart, and she wouldn’t deny that her eyes were wet as well.

Todd didn’t deserve to feel like this. He was the world’s best brother. He didn’t deserve to be in pain…

«You… Okay? I- I know you probably don’t- Probably don’t want to talk about it, but Todd, I’m always here for you, okay?» Amanda looked up at her brother, her eyes full of worry and sorrow.

«I’m… Not… Okay… But, I’ll- I’ll be okay… Don’t you worry, ‘Mandy… I’ll be okay, soon enough…» Todd tried to smile, but his smile was thin and shaky, and he didn’t sound convincing. «But, I’d… I’d like if we- if we could just… Watch a movie? I don’t- I don’t want to be alone…»

«Of course, Todd. Of course I’d want to watch a movie with my favorite brother…» She would do anything to cheer him up. She didn’t want him to be alone, especially when he was so sad and, well, depressed.

Todd smiled - a small, but real smile - before they both went to the living room to find a movie to watch.

«Thank you, Amanda,» Todd said, after they were seated on the couch, a bowl of popcorn resting on his lap, and Amanda was leaning against him, her legs curled up underneath her. His left arm was resting at his side, while his right was holding the bowl in place. «For- For being here… For dealing with me. I know- I know I can be- can be distant, or- or not the greatest brother… And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for forcing you to deal with my problems…»

«Dude, no… Todd, I’m- It’s not a problem, Todd. I _want_ to help you, I want to be there when you need me. You’re my brother, and I love you and I care so much for you. I want you happy, because you deserve to be happy,» Amanda responded, her voice firm as she looked up at his face.

«Amanda… Thank you… I’m… Thank you… You’re the best little sister a guy could ever wish for. And I love you too, Amanda… I’m so grateful I have you… Thank you,» Todd whispered, before kissing her on top of her head.

«Same to you, brother o’ mine,» Amanda told him, sincerely and warmly. «Forever and always.»

**_«Forever and always…»_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the short chapter, and the late update. I just... Hit a rough patch, with being very busy and all... So this was all I could manage to write for now. Hopefully next chapter will be up next Monday, but I can't promise anything for sure.
> 
> And yes, Todd's bi. I've decided so, and so it will be. We'll explore more of the siblings past later into the story, but for now... Take this.
> 
> Also yes, this is written because I love writing sibling stuff, and I wanted some hurt/comfort with these two. (And can you tell it's inspired by something?)
> 
> Oh, and _thank you _to everyone who commented, followed and left kudos! They bring me so much joy!__
> 
>  
> 
> __  
> _Until next time; see ya!_  
> 


	10. Past Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda reflects on her dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I _know _this is short and a day late. I haven't been able to write that much as of late, and I didn't have the energy or inspiration to finish the chapter yesterday. Hopefully I'll be able to update next Monday, but I can't promise anything.__
> 
> __Warnings for language, mentions of past depressions and slight musings about chronic illnesses._ _

Amanda made a noise in the back of her throat as she startled awake. She had fallen asleep. _Fuck_. Of _course_ she fell asleep.

It took Amanda half a minute to realize that something was leaning up against her, and another half a minute to realize that that someone was _Todd_. His head was resting on her shoulder, his legs curled up under him. His eyes were closed, and he looked… Peaceful…

Was that the first time she had seen him peaceful since the rescue?

Something inside her twisted, and she frowned as she remembered her dream- no, her _memory_.

She’d promised to be there, by his side. Yet, something told her she hadn’t been there when he’d needed her.

Her gut twisted, and Amanda bit her lower lip. It was a familiar feeling, this worry. It had been something she’d felt a lot of when they’d been teenagers.

It was the feeling of helplessness, of not being able to understand.

Although now, after her own struggles, she understood a lot more. Just the thought of it made her want to roll her shoulders, but she refrained, not wanting to wake her brother.

It was… Weird, having her brother by her side again. To feel… Normal… Again. Almost like before the whole «Woops, I lied to you for years!» reveal. It was… Nice…

If Amanda was completely honest with herself, she’d missed having her brother close to her. She’d _missed_ her brother.

Amanda sighed as she looked her brother over. He was thinner than she remembered him, and he had dark circles under his eyes. His hair was messier and longer, and so was his beard. He also seemed to be coated in a layer of dirt, and there were dark, red circles on each temple.   


It made something inside her twist with worry.

That was not supposed to be there, and it did not bode well.

Amanda sighed as she looked over at the fire again and frowned. Her mind drifted back to the dream, and she felt that it held some sort of importance related to this whole mess.   


It wouldn’t surprise her if it did.

But thinking back to it hurt a lot more than what she would’ve thought.   


Amanda knew her brother had problems with his mental health before college (and being a fucking _liar_ ), and she knew, deep down, he hadn’t _really_ managed to get out of it. He’d just been very good at hiding it, hadn’t he? Especially after she fell ill.

Of course he would. When she herself fell into a depression, of _course_ he’d shove it down and pretend it didn’t matter around her. And a part of her suspected it wasn’t mainly because he didn’t want to worry her, but also because he didn’t want to deal with his own problems. Taking care of her distracted him, didn’t it?   


Amanda sighed as she looked up at the still dark sky. Her brother was a complicated fellow, just as she herself was. Just like the people that were sleeping in the tent. _We’re all messed up. But isn’t that what’s so good about us? That we’re **different**?_

Another sigh escaped her lips as she closed her eyes. Amanda could feel her back begin to ache from sitting upright, halfway leaning on Todd.   


_That_ was a part she didn’t miss. The pain in her body. Not only did she end up with the fucking _stupid_ illness, but she ended up with neck, back -and shoulder pain, but also pain in her joints.   


It had made some days worse than others. Especially when she barely wanted to move because everything fucking _hurt_. It had become better, especially after she began training a little, but it was still a problem. Not a major one, but a problem nonetheless.   


Nowadays, it was barely noticeable. Sure, she had huge fucking problems with holding heavy things for long periods of time, or standing for extended periods, but it wasn’t _that_ big of a problem anymore. Especially when she’d had Vogel to take away her pain.

God, did she hate her body at times. Not only was it a fucked up in the sense of not properly functioning, but also because of her fucking _stupid_ genes that held the fucking shit disease. She was just so fucking unlucky, wasn’t she? Inheriting pararibulitis, her joints being so fucking idiotic and painful…

Sometimes she wish she could have a better body.

No, scratch that.

She _always_ wished for it.

But she knew she couldn’t have it. She had this body, and she would make do. Things might hurt, things might not be the best, but it was all she had. And Amanda would make do. She would live with it, and she would love herself.

No matter what shitty body she had.

Amanda’s eyes drifted down to Todd, and she bit her lips.

A part of her had been jealous of Todd for the past three months, when she learned he _didn’t_ have the disease. He’d had a perfect body, without any of the aches or pains. He’d probably lied about it all.

It also infuriated her. How _could_ he lie about it like that? When _she_ had to suffer through all the pain, and he could just lie and pretend.

Amanda sighed (she did a lot of that, didn’t she?) and looked away again. She still didn’t know _why_ he lied. And, if she was completely honest with herself, she knew that he hadn’t really pretended or lied after she’d gotten it. The only times she remembered him mentioning it was when he was encouraging her.

When he tried to give her hope.

It was all so _confusing_. She wanted to be mad at her brother, she honestly did, but… She also _didn’t_ want to be. She wanted to have her brother back, to have him smiling and laughing and supporting her again.   


Of course it wasn’t fun to have to be so _dependent_ on him, but she wouldn’t deny it was nice to have her brother around. It was _nice_ , to have him care and be there for her.   


Like she’d cared for him.

«Sometimes, I wonder if everything was a lie, y’know?» Amanda murmured, looking into the fire again. «That you just pretended… That _everything_ was pretend…»

«…I do too…» The hoarse reply shocked Amanda, and she jerked a little.

«Todd?» Amanda asked, her voice full of surprise and of worry. She’d thought he was still asleep, with the way he was leaning on her and his breathing. ( _No surprise he was lying, **again**_ ).   


She hadn’t thought he would hear her. And his response _worried_ her. What did he _mean_?

But no response came from her brother, other than his calm breathing. It seemed like he’d fallen asleep again. At least, he wasn’t answering her.

Amanda sighed and before biting her lip. The way he’d been acting, and what he _said_ … It just made something _cold_ run down her spine.   


Something was _really_ wrong, and Amanda would figure it out. Somehow.

She had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for this being so short. Hopefully I'll be able to write a longer chapter next time, but again, I can't promise anything. 
> 
> I do headcanon Amanda having some form of joint and/or bodily pain, more or less inspired by my own experiences. So yeah...
> 
> Also! While I have you guys here! Thank you so much for your support, and getting this story to 1000+ views! It brightens my day so much, and I really appreciate it! All of the kudos and comments, too! You guys are just the best, thank you!
> 
> Until next time; see ya!
> 
> (Oh, and if you want to contact me, or ask me any questions, you can visit my Tumblr, _that-one-strange-geek _. My askbox is always open!)__


	11. Ready?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is nice, good and relaxing. What could possibly go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I'm aware that I haven't updated in quite a while, and for that I am sorry. Personal problems came up, and I just couldn't get the chapter done, at all. But now, finally, an update! And it's almost 3k! Hurray!
> 
> I do apologize if the quality's low. I might come back to edit this chapter, just so you know.
> 
> Warnings for; Language (as usual)

Amanda looked up from where she was sitting, packing away the sleeping bags. The rest of their band of misfits had woken up not too long ago, and they were now working on getting everything packed. Amanda just wanted to get back to the lodge, and _finally_ be able to relax.

She unconsciously rolled her shoulders, loud _pops_ coming from them as she did. Her body was hurting from sitting in one position for so long. Amanda had not dared move, scared that she would end up waking her brother again. Especially since he looked so peaceful lining against her.

It was a long time since the last time she saw him so peaceful.

Amanda sighed as she rolled up the last bag and began to carry them over to the car. Her stomach rumbled, and she was grateful that her brother was making breakfast. She was _starving_.

Something she was grateful for, was that sitting there by the fire had helped her sort things out. Thing’s she’d _needed_ to sort out.

She knew she didn’t forgive her brother, and it would probably take some time for her to completely trust him again, but she didn’t want to stop caring for him. After all, he was still her brother, still her friend. And he mattered to her, even after all the shit he pulled on her.

Todd still mattered to her. That wouldn’t change.

It was just her trust that had. She wouldn’t trust him blindly anymore, and she didn’t really want to, either. Amanda wasn’t a child anymore, she could take care of herself.

Amanda frowned as she stuffed the bags into the car, feeling her chest constrict with emotions. A part of her - the petty, childish part of her - wanted to be angry with him, to let him _feel_ her anger. He’d lied to her, he’d cheated her and betrayed her. He deserved none of her love nor her care.   


Yet, another part of her - the _sister_ in her - wanted to be with him, to be his sister. She didn’t want to abandon him, not really. She still cared for him, he still _mattered_. And Amanda knew, deep down, that wouldn’t change. Not- Not really. At least, not now.

A sigh left her lips as she leaned her forehead against the cool metal of the car. Everything was so fucking _confusing_. Her heart ached with sorrow, but there was a rage hidden beneath her ribcage as well, ready to burst into a brilliant flame at the smallest of provocations.   


Her emotions were a mess, but at least she had them somewhat sorted out. Even if most of her emotions were conflicting and confusing.

At least now she could interact with her brother without feeling that giant lump in her throat and the burning feeling in her chest. Now it was more like… A soft warmth, tucked away from sight.

Amanda stuffed the last of the bags into the car and closed the trunk with a loud _clank_. Things might be confusing, things might be scary and different and new, but she would figure it out. She would venture onwards, and not look back.

She _couldn’t_ look back.

Because if it was one thing her illness had taught her, it was that looking back at what you’d lost hurt you more than the illness itself ever could.

And so, she wouldn’t look back. She wouldn’t look at what she’d lost and let sadness consume her.

She’d let that happen once, and she refused to go back to _that_ place.   


Never again.

As she began to walk over to the fire, she looked over to where Dirk and Todd where sitting, side by side, Dirk chattering on about _something_. It looked almost normal, had it not been for the distant look that had taken over her brother’s face.

Amanda frowned as she walked over, but she forced a smile to grace her lips as she flopped down beside Farah. She couldn’t let her worry show. That would only make things worse.

She knew _that_ from experience.   


«So, what’s for breakfast?» Amanda asked, looking over at Dirk and Todd, trying to sound cheery and happy. «I’m _starving_.»

«I think it’s some kind of soup. It smells _amazing_ , and I cannot wait to try it! Todd’s cooking tastes wonderful, at least from what little I have tried myself!» Dirk responded, a grin plastered over his face. Yet, as she looked at him, she noticed how _wrong_ it looked. His eyes were dim and tired, and something was hidden behind them. A secret he did not want to tell.

It made her worry grow. Something was wrong with her friends, something they weren’t telling her. _Why_ weren’t they telling her?

«Todd is a good cook, I’ll give him that. He can make _anything_ taste better, I swear. Even with little money, he managed to make some really good dinners,» Amanda told Dirk, trying to stay positive, despite her worry gnawing at her insides.

«Oh I don’t doubt it. He makes _soup_ taste good, and I was never too fond of it. But here I am, longing for some soup.» Dirk smiled at her, with those empty eyes that made her insides twist.

«I’m just happy I don’t get Amanda’s cooking anymore,» Farah suddenly chimed in, looking at the three of them with a somewhat smug grin. Amanda could feel her cheeks heat up at that feeling embarrassed and feeling suddenly way too hot.   


«W-Well it’s not _my_ fault I’m a shitty cook. Todd’s always been the cook! I can’t cook for shit! The only thing I can cook are shitty mac ’n’ cheese and fucking ramen,» Amanda blurted, her cheeks burning as she looked away.

«But setting fire to the _toaster_? I don’t call that ‘shitty’, I call that incompetence. Goodness knows how you survived on your own if you can’t even toast bread properly,» Farah teased, and Amanda’s cheeks turned a deep red color.   


Why did this woman have so much control over her? Even the smallest things made Amanda turn into a living pile of goo.

«I- Well- It’s not my _fault_ , it’s the fucking toaster!» Amanda stuttered, followed by laughter from her companions.

«Sure, the toaster’s at fault here. Yep, totally believe that.» Farah was grinning, and Amanda could feel her heart rate increase. Fuck, she had such a crush on her.

In response, Amanda just grumbled in annoyance and embarrassment, although a part of her really enjoyed the teasing. It felt so _normal_ in her so not normal life. It was a welcome change of pace.

She could hear Farah and Dirk laugh loudly at her expense, and in response Amanda just bowed her head and tried _not_ to show how red her face was. This was just pure _torture_. Not only was Farah’s laugh making her stomach bubble with joy, but she was shoulder to shoulder with her as well. It just made her face turn into an even redder color and she tried to cover it up with her hands.

(Well, she couldn’t complain, exactly. She really did love hearing Farah laugh, and having her so close made her heart beat faster against her ribcage. So it was kind of worth it, too.)

Another snicker joined the howling laughter, and Amanda looked up to see her brother softly laughing, a small smile adorning his face. A smile tugged at her own lips, before she yet again hid her face behind her hands.

It was the first time the four of them were laughing together since this whole fucking mess started.

It felt _good_.   


Amanda let her hands drop, and she began to softly giggle herself, smiling softly. Her face was still red with embarrassment, but it was so worth it to see her three companions smile and laugh.

Even if it was at her expense.

«Okay, but seriously. How can you not make toast?» Farah asked after their laughter died down. «It’s like the easiest thing to make on this world. You just put the bread in the toaster, and voila! It’s done!»

«Hey now, it’s not that easy! You have to _watch_ it, and who has time for that?» Amanda defended herself, holding her hands up before waving them in front of her. «I have to prepare everything else, too!»

«She’s a-always been like this. You should’ve s-seen her when she was y-younger. If no-one was there to make her f-food, she would’ve lived o-on only cereal,» the raspy voice of Todd said, a smile tugging at his chapped lips. «And the one time she t-tried to make herself dinner… The kitchen looked like _Hell_ after she was done.»

Amanda felt her cheeks heat up with embarrassment at the statement, knowing full well what he was speaking of.

It had been the _one_ time her parents were out of town, and her brother had been stuck camping with his class. She’d been alone for four days straight, more or less because she’d convinced her family that being fifteen meant that she could be on her own…

Oh boy was she wrong.   


The only things she had been eating were cereal, pizza and whatever snacks she could find. And the day Todd was going to come home, she’d wanted to make dinner for them…   


Well, it had been a complete shit-storm. Not only had she made a total mess of the kitchen, she’d also ended up almost setting fire to the whole house. Luckily, Todd had come home earlier than planned, and managed to help her put out the fire on the stove.   


After that day, Amanda vowed never to ever try to cook food unsupervised. She did not want to burn down a house just because she tried to make food.

She’d almost done it once, she didn’t _actually_ want to succeed in doing so.

And she remembered the look Todd had given her. Just a look of pure «what the actual _fuck_ » as he looked at the complete mess she’d made of the kitchen.

At least he’d helped her clean everything up, _and_ he’d made them something edible.

It was, actually, one of her favorite memories. How her brother had, after his initial shock, smiled affectionally at her, ruffled her hair and then helping her clean.   


It was a happy memory.

Amanda was pulled out of her musings as Dirk and Farah’s laughter filled her ears, followed by Todd’s soft snickering.

And it hit her like a slap in the face that that had been the most that Todd had spoken since the rescue.   


Maybe things were looking up for them. Maybe they were all healing, and everything would be alright.

She certainly hoped so.   


«You really are incompetent in the kitchen,» Farah laughed, nudging her elbow into Amanda’s ribs. Amanda could feel her cheeks heating up again and she looked away, grumbling profanities.   


Yeah… Maybe things were looking up, for once…

 

* * *

Amanda smiled as she packed away the rest of all of their stuff. The breakfast had been a fun experience. Everyone had sat around the fire, and everyone had been getting along.   


It had been relaxing, and almost _domestic_.

She’d really enjoyed eating alongside her newfound friends and family.

Amanda smiled softly as she lifted the bag she’d packed all the stuff into, and carried it towards the car. She placed the bag in the trunk of it, careful as not to topple anything over. She didn’t want to have to re-stack anything. That would take too long to do, and she really didn’t want to use more time than she had to. The more time they used getting ready, the longer it would take to get back to the cabin and the comfortable furniture.

Oh, she was _so_ going to take a bath when they got back. Her body was aching and she seriously needed a wash.   


«Ready to leave?» came a voice to her right, startling her out of her daydreaming.

«Huh?» was Amanda’s clever response as she turned around to face the source of the voice. A smile spread over her lips as she saw Farah standing beside her. «Oh, I’m so ready to leave. I can’t wait to get back up to the cabin and just _relax_. God knows my limbs need it»

Farah laughed softly, before gently nudging her arm. «Yeah, since you’re so unused to sleeping outside. From what I’ve heard, you hated camping when you were younger.» The other woman was grinning, and Amanda felt her cheeks heat up for what must’ve been the millionth time this morning.

«…Well, it’s not my fault my back hates the ground, okay?» Amanda mumbled, bowing her head so her red cheeks wouldn’t show. God, what this woman _did_ to her. The smallest of things would make Amanda’s face red and her heart speed up.   


Fuck, she was so in love, wasn’t she?

«True, but still. Anyway, can you go grab Dirk and Todd? I’ll get the car started.» Farah was smiling as she looked down at her, and Amanda felt her heart rate speed up.

«Huh? Oh, yeah. I can do that, totally,» Amanda responded, her cheeks a light pink color. «I’ll just… Go get those idiots…»

Farah was smiling at her, before she walked over to the front of the car. «Good. You’re not the only one who wants to relax, you know.»

Amanda just grinned in response as she saluted her, before she walked over to where Dirk and Todd were sitting.

However, Amanda’s smile fell from her face as she got closer to the two people in question. They were sitting shoulder to shoulder, with Todd’s head halfway resting on Dirk’s shoulder. Dirk seemed to be talking, but it was his hollow voice that made something inside of Amanda twist. It was the way his face _screamed_ concern. It was the way his body seemed tense and ready to move.

She didn’t understand what he was worried about, until she looked at her brother’s face.

His face was completely drained of color, and his skin was shining with sweat. His eyes were glassy, unseeing.

It freaked her out, to see her brother like this.

Almost like… Almost like… _Then_ …

Amanda swallowed, as she walked up to them, feeling her gut twist with worry. «I- um… Are you- Are you guys okay?» Amanda’s voice was shaky with worry, and she ran a hand through her hair nervously.

Dirk looked up at her, his eyes wide and full of worry. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times, before he kept it firmly shut, his lips a thin line. His eyes drifted over to Todd’s face, and he frowned.

Dirk’s mouth opened again, but before he could answer, Todd’s body seemed to spasm, his body jerking as if he was being shocked. His eyes were wide, alert, but somehow they still seemed glassy. His body jerked again, this time more violently and a gasp left him.   


Amanda dropped down beside the two, her eyes wide with fear and worry. «Todd? Todd, what’s- what’s going on?» Amanda demanded, fearful. This- This was- She shook her head violently, trying to get rid of the memories. No. It was _not_ like that time. It couldn’t be.

«He’s, um… He’s having- having an attack,» Dirk stammered, his hands hovering over Todd’s spasming arms.

«An _attack_? But he- he doesn’t- What _type_ of attack?» It could mean anything. At first, her mind jumped to her own illness, but he’d lied about having that, so of _course_ he couldn’t have that. His «attacks» had only been lies. Stupid, hurtful _lies_.   


Her heart dropped as she wondered what he was going through. Withdrawal? Phantom pain? Some sort of nerve damage?   


The smell of burnt flesh entered her mind as she remembered how she’d found her brother at the Spring Mansion. Farah had told her he’d been shocked, and he’d certainly smelled like it.

Could it be some form of flashback? That would certainly explain the spasming-

A scream pierced the air, and Amanda flinched away, eyes wide, scared and worried. Her brother was screaming as his body twitched, as if something was shocking him repeatedly. His hands flew to his head, his fingers digging into his scalp.

Before she knew what she was doing, Amanda grabbed Todd’s hands and tried to pry them away from where his nails were piercing his skin. The moment she touched his hands, he screamed as if in pain, and tried to desperately pull his hands away from her.

However, Amanda would not let go, even if it meant having to listen to her brother scream bloody murder.

«Todd! Whatever it is that’s happening, it- it isn’t real!» Amanda shouted, feeling her own panic swelling in her chest.   


_«So this is how it feels»_ , Amanda thought grimly as she held onto his hands, not wanting him to hurt himself further. Todd was crying out in pain and fear, his body twitching and jerking repeatedly.

Seeing her brother like this…

It made her heart ache, and she could feel tears sting in her eyes.

What the _fuck_ was going on?

Her brother’s screams became louder and more frantic as Amanda firmly held his hands. «Todd! Todd, listen to me, it’s- you’re fine, you’re safe! Please, Todd… Todd!»

Todd suddenly went limp in her arms, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. Amanda managed steer him towards her, catching him in her arms.   


Eyes wide with fear, Amanda looked over at Dirk and her gaze hardened. «What the _fuck_? What- What happened? What _was_ that?»

Dirk fidgeted, his gaze lowered and his hands wrung together. «That- That was- was what… What we’d - I’d - wanted to tell you…» He looked up at her, and Amanda felt something cold settle in her stomach. «Todd… He has it, Amanda. He- He has-»

«Pararibulitis…»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! Hope this was worth the wait! I do hope this gives... Some... Answers... Hopefully, I'll be able to update next Monday, but I can't promise anything.
> 
> Next up; the aftermath.
> 
> Also; thank you all for those wonderful comments. They bring me life, and makes me want to update even faster. So thank you all for being amazing readers!
> 
> Until next time; see ya!


	12. Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A past promise made between two siblings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um... So... It's been... What.... A month? Um... I can explain? Life hit me hard in the face and I've been struggling to get this chapter done. But it is! It's... Short... I wanted to make it longer, honestly, but I didn't want to mess with the flow of things, so it's 1.3k. Sorry for that. Hopefully, the next chapter will be longer! And maybe I can actually keep my schedule! 
> 
> Warning; blood, references to self-harm, injury and some minor language. 
> 
> Not beta'd (pffft, like I ever do that), so I apologize for any mistakes.

She was angry. She was _livid_. This- How was this _fair_? It just wasn’t fair! All of this- all of what was happening. It just- It just wasn’t _right_.  

Amanda felt her heart twist, and she shut her eyes as tightly as she could. 

She was angry beyond reason, and she could feel the warm coals of her rage bubbling in the pit of her stomach. She was _furious_. 

But most of all, she was _scared_. 

Amanda bit her lip, hard, and she could vaguely taste blood.

_Not that there wasn’t enough blood already_ , her treacherous mind whispered to her, and Amanda furiously shook her head.  She couldn’t focus on that right now. Not- Not when-

Amanda couldn’t keep the hiccup from leaving her mouth as she desperately closed her hands around the wound, tightly. Blood was seeping through her fingers, covering them in red. Had she not been so occupied, she would’ve felt sick to the bone.

There was just so much _blood_.

Her eyes stung as her hands clamped down over the injury, begging for it to stop bleeding. Her hands were warm and sticky, and she felt her stomach lurch just thinking about it. 

«Please, please please,» she begged in a whisper, «Please stop bleeding….

Amanda felt panic well in her chest as blood began to coat her hands in a stark, red color.

«You _asshole_. You fucking asshole. Why- why- Why did you do this?» Her voice shook with fear and emotion, and she could feel her hands shaking. «O-Oh _G-God_ , oh fuck…»

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she desperately tried to stop the bleeding. This- This couldn’t be happening- This wasn’t _fair_. He was bleeding out on the floor and she _couldn’t_ stop it and-

« _Amanda_!»

* * *

 

«Amanda! Wake up, ‘Mandy. I’m here, you’re ok.» Someone was shaking her, and Amanda opened her eyes with a gasp. Her heart was racing, and she could feel her blood pumping in her ears.

«Thank God you’re awake,» someone said, and when her eyes finally focused, she saw the concerned face of her brother. The room was dark, but she knew that face anywhere. «You were screaming up a storm- ooof!»

Amanda threw her arms around Todd and buried her face into his shoulder. Tears ran down her face as she clutched her brother like a lifeline. Her heart was racing and her nightmare was fresh in her mind.

«That bad, huh?» Todd murmured as he ran his hand through her hair, holding her close. «Well it’s over now, nothing can hurt you now…»

Instead of answering, she just shook her head as a sob tore through her lips. She was shaking like a fucking leaf, and had this been any other time she would’ve been annoyed at her own weakness.

But not now. Not after that nightmare…

Another sob left her as she cried into her brother’s shoulder. She could feel his grip on her tighten, and Amanda was grateful that he was here, comforting her.

Because that nightmare… It had been so _real_ and-

Amanda broke away from him with a gasp, her eyes wide and fearful, and they were beginning to swell from all of the crying. She grabbed Todd’s hand in hers with an iron grip, and looked him dead in the eye. 

«Todd- _Promise_ me something,» she asked, her voice hoarse from all the crying and screaming. 

«What- What is it?» He looked somewhat thrown off, and even if she couldn’t exactly see that well in the darkness, she knew his confusion showed on his face. She could see his shoulder length hair messily tied in a bun at the back of his head, and that some strands had fallen in front of his face. 

« _Promise_ me th-that you won’t- won’t take it too far… That- That you’ll be careful… That- That you won’t- won’-t» Amanda couldn’t get herself to finish the sentence. A lump had settled in her throat and a few tears ran down her cheeks. 

«That I won’t what?» Todd asked, his voice empty and quiet. His hand had gone limp in hers, but the rest of him seemed to have tensed up. 

«That you won’t be stupid!» Amanda burst out, tears spilling out of her eyes and her agony and fear twisting in her chest. «That- That you won’t hurt yourself until you’ve gone too far! That- That you won’t bleed until there’s nothing left! I- I don’t- don’t want to- to fi-find you and- and you’re bleeding and bleeding at it won’t _stop_ , and- and- and-»

Strong arms wrapped around her and pulled her close as Amanda began to sob. She could feel her brother smoothen her hair before rocking her gently in his arms, just like he did when they were small. 

Huh. Even at seventeen, he was still her for her, like he’d always been.

«I- I… That was your nightmare, huh..?» His voice was soft and gentle, but at the same time rough and strained. 

How often did he cry? How often did he break down and hurt, all alone?

Amanda let out a sob as she nodded, clutching her brother harder. «You- You were- were dying,» Amanda sobbed, muffled against his shoulder. 

«Well- I… I promise I won’t… I won’t leave you. I won’t leave my baby sister, _ever_. You’re too important to leave behind.» Todd’s voice was gentle as he rocked them back and forth, his hand running through her hair comfortingly. 

«Good… ‘Cos- ‘Cos I can’t- can’t lose my big brother… I can’t lose the pest person in the whole wide world,» Amanda whispered, her tears still running down her cheeks.

«I won’t… I promise…» Todd tightened his grip on her for a moment, before letting her go. «I promise you.»

Amanda hiccuped, before nodding. «G-Good… Because you’re my big bro. You’re important to me. I love you Todd,» Amanda said, before hugging him again, as tight as she could. She needed him to know that she loved him, always. Nothing could change that.

«I love you too, Amanda. I always will…» He hugged her just as tight, and they sat there for what must have been an eternity, before they finally separated. «Now… Let’s go watch a movie.»

Amanda had been in the middle of wiping her face, but stopped at that. «Now? It’s the middle of the night, Todd!»

«Yeah, and who cares? I think we need a movie, and maybe even sneaking some snacks. Mom and Dad doesn’t have to know. It can be our little secret,» Todd said, his voice taking on a teasingly hushed tone. 

A teary laugh bubbled out of her, and Amanda nodded her head with a soft smile. «Our little secret, got it,» she laughed, bumping her shoulder against his. «And I decide what movie.»

«Alright ‘Mandy, you decide what movie. Only if I get the best seat.» Even if she couldn’t exactly see his face that clearly in the darkness, she knew he had a shit-eating grin over his face. 

«Fine! Then you can make us some snacks, then!»

«I didn’t plan on letting _you_ make it. I don’t want to be sick, so of course you’re not making it,» Todd laughed, ruffling her hair. Amanda let out a squeak before she shoved her brother off of her bed.

«Asshole! I can make fine snacks, it’s dinner I can’t make,» Amanda said, flustered. Her fear and sorrow was slowly disappearing, and instead being replaced with a soft joy. 

«Same thing. You can’t make food for shit, so I’m not letting you make anything I’m going to eat.»

«Asshole,» Amanda muttered as she knocked her foot against his chest. Todd only laughed at her, but Amanda could only smile with him. It was fun to tease each other, especially now. 

Todd was still laughing when he picked himself up and walked over to the door. «You comin’, squirt?»

«Hey! I’m no squirt! I’m almost just as tall as you!» Amanda responded, jumping out of bed and coming up to her brother. «I’m not short!»

«Whatever you say, ‘Mandy. Whatever you say…»

Amanda couldn’t help but smile as they walked into the hallway and towards the living room.

It made her happy to know her brother was there when she needed him.

That he’d always be there.

Nothing would change that, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A past memory, to get a look at how they interact. Honestly, I love writing these past interactions with them. I could write on and on about them, and I have so many headcanons and thoughts about these two.
> 
> I am sorry this doesn't give you any answers, my original plan was to make this chapter and post it a week after last chapter. But that didn't happen, and this became much shorter than I wanted. So I'm really sorry for that.
> 
> And I just got to say; all of you are amazing. Thank you all for the kudos, for the favorites and especially the comments. The comments bring me life, and I can't thank you guys enough. Your comments makes me want to write even more, and I love all of the support you guys give me. You're just the best, all of you.
> 
> And again; if any of you have any questions, requests or just want to talk to me; go hit me up on my Tumblr, that-one-strange-geek.
> 
> I will try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can, but I can't promise it will be next week. We'll have to see what happens, but hopefully whatever wait comes, it will be worth it.
> 
> Until next time; see ya!
> 
> (I also edited the last "flashback" chapter, so Todd calls Amanda 'Mandy instead of 'Manda.)


	13. Confusing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carry your brother to your car with your friends because said brother is unconcious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off; I am so, so sorry for not updating before. I got really busy, and this last week hasn't been the best. So I managed to write a 1.8k chapter, so I see that as a win? Maybe. Perhaps. I hope it is!
> 
> Second; I am so sorry if the quality is down. Half of this chapter was written while I was in pain, so if there's any mistakes or anything, I blame it on the pain.
> 
> Warnings: Some swearing, because Amanda has a potty mouth. Nothing new, really.

Amanda felt her heart beat wildly in her chest. This- This couldn’t be true. It wasn’t fair. This- This _wasn’t fair_. 

No, this- this _had_ to be a lie. Just another lie to get her to believe him, to trust him. This had to be a lie. It- It couldn’t be real, could it?

If it was… Had he really spoken the truth before, and lied about not having it, then? 

Amanda groaned softly and closed her eyes firmly shut. This was all so _confusing_. Where did the lie end and the truth start? Or was it the other way around? Nothing made _sense_ anymore. Everything was confusing and different and weird and- and-

And she was _scared_. She was scared, just like a small child being frightened by change. She was scared for her brother, scared for what this meant for the two of them- She was so _scared_.

But most of all, Amanda was confused.

She looked down at her brother, whose head was resting in her lap, out like a light. His face was almost… Peaceful. Almost.

Amanda frowned as she looked down onto Todd’s face. In the daylight, she could see his face much clearer than what she had earlier. His face was pale as a sheet, making the dark circles under his eyes pop even more. His cheeks were hollowed out - much like the rest of the rescued group - and he just looked generally unhealthy and unkept.

However, being this close to him, her eyes were drawn to his temples. She hadn’t gotten a good look before, but now… Brushing away the hair that obscured his forehead, Amanda felt something cold fill her stomach. Dark circles were etched into his skin on each temple, the ugly discoloration a stark contrast against his pale skin. 

Amanda felt her heartbeat hitch, and she withdrew her hand as if she had been burned. 

This- This seemed like- It couldn’t be, could it? No, no way. _No_ way. 

«Todd… What did they _do_ to you?» Amanda whispered, feeling emotions clog her throat. «What did they do to all of you?»

Anger began to swell in her chest at the thought of what of what those- those- _monsters_ had done to her family and friends. 

«They did a lot to us, that is what they did,» Dirk - who’d been silent ever since he’d told her what was up with Todd - spoke up. «They are- they took tests on us. Horrible, horrible tests. They don’t care if its moral or not- they’ll do anything to achieve their goals…»

Amanda looked over at Dirk, and noticed how his hands shook as he pulled his legs close to his chest. «I’m- I’m sorry. I wish- I wish we could’ve found you sooner. Fuck, none of you deserved this. Fuck, I’m- fuck!»

Dirk’s face was sad and hollow as he gave her a weak smile. «It happened, and- and we can’t- can’t change it. No matter how hard we try. It happened.»

«It’s still not fair that it happened! Just- Look at you! Look at everyone! You’re all wounded and hurt and malnourished and _you shouldn’t be_. None of you do, and that it was allowed to even happen in the first place is insane!» Amanda said, her voice growing louder and louder as her anger and frustration boiled within her chest.

Dirk looked away, and Amanda noticed how his face looked so _empty_ for a split second. It chilled her to the bone. Dirk was not supposed to look like that. At all.

«What could we do, Amanda? Go to the police? You and I both know that’s rubbish. I… It happened, and- and now we just-» Dirk turned to her, and the smile that he gave her felt so fake it made something inside her crack, «-we just try to live. I’ve done it once before, whose to say I can’t do it again?»

«Oh Dirk…» All anger disappeared, in favor of an overwhelming sadness and sense of loss. She didn’t know what to say. What _could_ she even say? She knew very well that saying it would be okay would only feel hollow and useless.   
So instead of responding, she held out her hand to him, her face sad and mournful. They’d lost so much these last months, hadn’t they? They didn’t deserve this, none of them did.

When Dirk took her hand, she gave it a light squeeze and gave him a small smile. «We’re not leaving any of you behind. Your my family and I will kill for my family. No matter how big of an asshole they may be.»

Dirk laughed, and Amanda’s mouth curved upwards. It may have been a weak, tearful laugh, but it was a laugh nonetheless.

«I would say killing is bad, but I think Bart’d hit me if I did,» Dirk told her, a weak smile over his lips.

«Good. Now, could you- could you help me with Todd? I can’t carry him all on my own, and we kinda have to move. Farah’s probably worrying over our absence,» Amanda said, letting go of his hand and looking down at her still unconscious brother. 

«Well, I’m not the strongest ever, but I think I can help carry Todd,» Dirk answered, and it looked like he was about to say something else, but he stopped himself at the last minute. His face darkened before he gave one of his fake smiles.

Those smiles made something inside her twist uncomfortably. They were so incredibly fake and forced.

It hurt to see them on someone like Dirk.

«C’mon, let’s get going…»

* * *

Tightening her seatbelt, Amanda finally let herself relax. She’d been so tense all morning, she was knew her shoulders would end up murdering her later. But, it was a problem for later. Right now, she just wanted to get back to the cabin and maybe sleep for a week. Preferably a month.

Amanda sighed as she looked over at Todd, who was seated between Dirk and herself, still passed out. They were sitting in the back of the van (minibus, really. But Vogel had _insisted_ that it was a van, and she didn’t really want to argue with him), and luckily out of the way of all the loud music and yelling. Her head hurt already, she didn’t need to be seated in the middle of all the noise.

She looked over at Dirk, and she could see lines of worry in his face. His lips were drawn into a light frown, and his eyes were pools of concern. He was just as worried she felt. Maybe even more.

Her mind was a whirlwind of thoughts, although not as chaos-filled as it was earlier. She could finally try to make sense of her thoughts, of her feelings.

«When- When did he- he get like _this_ ,» Amanda asked, gesturing to the still unconscious Todd. «How did- How could this have happened?»

Dirk looked at her, his face conflicted, before he sighed and looked out the window. «It might not be my story to tell, but… He didn’t lie to you when he said he didn’t have it. I know it’s probably hard to separate the truth from lies… But he didn’t have it, not in the beginning.»

«How can I believe that? It’s just… One moment, he says he has it… Then another, he doesn’t. And now he does? How- How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to act?» Amanda whispered and wrapped her arms around her body. «It’s all just… So confusing…»

«The Universe is confusing sometimes. It makes you hurt when you’ve done everything right, everything it asked. But still it hurts you… No matter how good you were at following orders. It still hurts you…» Dirk’s voice grew distant and sad, and his eyes were filled with an emotion Amanda couldn’t quite identify. 

«…Sometimes I wonder why I got this disease in the first place. What I did to deserve it, you know? Because, fuck, it’s so painful. Not only does this fucking disease make it hard for me to do _anything_ , but it’s ended up causing even more problems. And sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this,» Amanda told him in a small voice, her fingers digging into the flesh of her arms. «And I thought, I thought that Todd having it with me, maybe things would be okay. But I wasn’t functioning, not like him. Not like him, who could go to work and be useful. Guess I was wrong, huh?»

«…Nobody’s alike. ‘Functioning’ is a bullshit thing people say to control you, to make you feel guilty. You’re alive, and being alive is what’s important. And being happy,» Dirk told her, surprising her with how firm and serious his voice was. 

«I…» Amanda didn’t quite know what to say, a little taken aback by the sudden change in mood. «Wow… That’s deep. And punk.»

Dirk only gave her a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

They grew silent after that, and Amanda let her mind drift. Everything was still chaos, but it was less of one? Amanda didn’t quite know how to describe it, but her mind wasn’t a roaring mess anymore.

It was kind of reassuring to know that Todd hadn’t lied even more than he already had. 

No, he’d just kept a secret from her. A secret that could have severely hurt him and everyone around him.

But why had he not told her? Did he… Did he believe she wouldn’t believe him? That she’d laugh in his face if he tried to admit it to her? That she would be angry with him?

Maybe- Maybe she _wouldn’t_ have believed him, maybe not at first. Maybe it would have taken her time. _Maybe_ she would be angry with him, angry that he tried to fool her again, maybe she would believe that he tried to persuade her into sympathizing with him. Maybe she would’ve, maybe she wouldn’t. She didn’t _know_ anymore, she didn’t know _what_ she thought.

But did he believe so little in her, that he couldn’t confide with her?

Did he really believe that she wouldn’t care anymore?

Amanda bit her lip as she looked over at her brother’s sleeping face. Had they really drifted that far apart? Did he really believe she didn’t care anymore?

Her heart clenched as she took one of his hands into hers. He was still her brother. Todd _did_ matter to her, he really did. He just- It was hard to trust him again. It _would_ be hard to trust him again.

But she wouldn’t give up on him. She couldn’t. 

They- They had a lot to work on. A _lot_. But… They were siblings, they were Brotzmans. They could figure this mess out, together. She- She wouldn’t let him drown in this disease.

He’d helped her before. Even if it’d been out of guilt, it was something. And she would help him get through this, even if it’d be rough, even if it’d be hard.

They could work this out. Together. 

At least, she hoped so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was satisfactory! I had some trouble with it, but I managed to write it! So I guess that's something.
> 
> I _might _be able to update it within the next two weeks, but if not, you might have to wait another month for an update. So sorry 'bout that! But hopefully I'll be able to update it soon.__
> 
> __And if you wonder what's up with me; well, I've been in pain for the last month. Mostly in my hands, but some minor pain in my knees and ankles. Well, that was childplay compared to the pain that is my hip. Since Thursday, I've been in intense pain. On Friday, it got so bad that I could barely move, and that's been my weekend. Intense pain that makes it so that I can barely walk, and it's horrible. It might be tendonitis, which I do have in my hands, so it wouldn't be suprising. This is a long-winded way of saying; if I don't update it on time, it might be because I'm in pain, or just very busy._ _
> 
> __Anyway, excuse my rambling. Are you enjoying this story? Is there something you'd like to see? Would you like a shift in POV, or do you want me to stick with Amanda? What are your thoughts on this chapter? And; what are your thoughts on what we know of season 2?_ _
> 
> __Until next time; see ya!_ _


	14. Fuzzy Socks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arriving at the cabin, Amanda and Dirk talk while having to take care of their sleeping friend, and maybe carry said sleeping friend inside all on their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm.... Over a month since last time? I don't think a "sorry" can convey how sorry (ha) I am for not finishing this chapter earlier. But here it is, in all its glory; chapter 14!
> 
> Warnings: Light mentions of torture, prison abuse and some language.

«We’re almost there.» The ride had been mostly quiet in the backseat. Dirk had fallen asleep half an hour into the ride, and Todd had remained unconscious. It had been nice, to just sit back and let the sounds (the loud chatting and occasional songs were calming, in Amanda’s mind) from the front seat wrap around her like a warm blanket. It had been nice, and it had helped her keep from thinking too much about their situation. 

Dirk had woken up not too long ago, and the two of them had been quietly chatting about the state of the cabin (Dirk had had a _lot_ of questions), but after a while they’d fallen into a comfortable silence. 

«Ah, good. My bum is sleeping, I think. It’s quite uncomfortable to sit still for this long,» Dirk responded, his eyes calm and his smile (his oh so fake smile) soft. His hands were wringing the fabric of his shirt, and his left foot was gently tapping up and down. 

He was restless, something Amanda could understand. The drive had been four hours, and she could feel her joints stiffening and her body becoming uncomfortable.  
God, she missed the time where she could sit in a car for _hours_ without feeling like her body was dying.

«Yeah… You could probably take a bath when we get to the cabin. It has like, the biggest bathtub I’ve ever seen. It’s really great, like super amazing to sit in,» she said, trying to sound as cheery as possible. Her worry and pain wasn’t something she needed to share, at least not now. 

«Oh, there is? I haven’t taken a bath in a bathtub for what feels like _ages_. Maybe I will take one, although I don’t have any clothes besides the ones I’m wearing, at all…»  Dirk looked down at his clothes - the thin t-shirt and pants in that weird, off-putting grey color. Amanda made a noise in the back of her throat and waved at him.

«Those? You guys are not staying in those. You’re _not_ prisoners, and I’m not letting any of you wear those in the cabin. It’s a place _away_ from everything shitty,» she told him, smiling faintly. «And I suppose they’re not comfortable either…»

«No, they’re not. In fact, they are rather thin. It gets really cold, really fast.» The look on his face sent cold shivers down her spine. His eyes were distant and glazed over, as if he was remembering some horrible event. And the smile on his face looked more like a grimace than an actual smile. 

«We’ll get you new clothes, don’t worry Dirk. You’re safe with us, nobody’s gonna decide over you anymore,» Amanda told him gently as she took his hand in hers and squeezed it lightly. 

«I really hope so…»

 

* * *

 

Unbuckling her seatbelt, Amanda looked over at Todd, who, still hadn’t woken up. Sighing, Amanda began unbuckling her brother’s seatbelt and looked at him with a mixture of worry and sorrow. It hurt to see him like this, to see him so weak and sick. Even if he’d been an absolute dickhead, he still was her brother, and he didn’t deserve this bullshit.

A punch to the face? Probably.

Contracting pararibulitis and the possibility that he’d been tortured? Fuck no.

«Todd. Todd. Wake up,» Amanda said as she lightly shook her brother’s shoulders in an attempt at waking him up. «We’re here, you need to wake up.»

Dirk, who’d already exited the car, poked his head in an looked at her with a sympathetic smile. «He, he usually takes a couple of hours to wake up, after such an attack. It’s a side effect, I think. At least, that’s what I’ve been told, but I know that what _They_ say should probably be taken with a pinch of salt. Maybe even a spoonful of salt, in some cases.»

«Yeah… I kinda suspected that. I was that way, too, when I first got it. It tends to exhaust you after an attack, and I used to sleep for hours after one. I just hoped, you know…» Amanda cut herself off, looking away from Dirk and to Todd. «I hoped it would be different… I’m still fucking mad at him for lying, but… You don’t want to see your sibling suffer… You know?»

«I- I don’t know, actually,» Dirk said, shifting uncomfortably, «But I can guess how it is. It’s like how I don’t want to see my friends suffer, to have _Them_ experiment on them, but of course that has already happened and-… I should shut up now.»

Dirk looked horrified at what he’d said, and Amanda could feel something cold settle in her stomach. The implications of that… Dirk being experimented on… Martin, Gripps, Cross, Bart…

Todd…

«I… I’m sorry, Dirk…» If she could reach him, she’d have hugged him. The way he stood, the way he seemed have shrunk… It all made something in her go cold. She couldn’t fathom what he’d gone through, what they’d done to him. 

«It’s… You can’t change what they’ve done. It happened, and- and it’s nothing that can be done against it,» Dirk said, shrugging his shoulders, probably to appear nonchalant, but it made him look even more uncomfortable and insecure. 

«Still, it hurt you. If- If you ever need someone to talk to… I’m here. I might not be the best person to talk to, but… I’m here, and I’ll always listen.» She smiled supportingly at him and she tried her best to convey her sincerity. «You’re my friend Dirk.»

He seemed frozen, with his eyes wide open and his mouth slightly agape, and Amanda was worried for a second that she’d said something wrong, that she’d gone too far. 

«I’d- I’d love that, Amanda,» Dirk said, his voice tight with emotion and his smile hopeful and happy. It was one of the few times he’d actually given her a sincere smile since their rescue. It warmed her heart to see him smile like that, so hopeful and happy. He looked alive where he stood, head halfway bent with his head sticking inside the car.

«Don’t mention it dude,» she responded, smiling encouragingly at him. He was her friend, and she cared about him. And she genuinely wanted to see him happy and healthy (and not sad and pale and oh so think). 

Speaking of unhealthy…

«We need to move Todd inside… Since he’s not waking up…» Amanda waved with her hands as a sigh escaped her. «Can you help me carry him again?»

Almost everyone had gone out of the car the moment it had stopped, and Farah had gone with them to show them around and to help them find new clothes (but before she’d left, she’d given Amanda a worried look and gestured to Todd. She was worried, too, and it showed). And so it was only Todd, Dirk and herself left in the car.

«Of course,» Dirk replied, a slightly worried smile on his face. «Of course I’ll help you help Todd inside. It’s the least I can do.»

Amanda gave him a relieved smile before slowly beginning to draw Todd out of the car. «Come over on this side, and take his feet. We’ll get him inside, and then you can get your promised bath.»

 

* * *

 

Amanda looked up at Dirk as he entered the bedroom. She kept on braiding her hair, smiling encouragingly at him. «How was the shower?» she asked, trying to sound cheery and not like she was worrying a shit ton over her brother, who was sleeping in the bed behind her. 

«Oh, it was wonderful, really. I haven’t showered properly in _ages_ , so it was really nice to finally get a proper wash,» Dirk informed her happily, gently tugging at the hem of his t-shirt. «And these clothes are very soft and warm, compared to the other ones. And the fuzzy socks!»

She smiled at him, pleased that he was happy with the clothes she’d brought. If she was honest, she’d just grabbed whatever she could get when Farah, Vogel and herself had gone shopping two weeks ago. While the clothes were slightly too big for him, they were at least clean and warm, and not tied to an evil government facility.

«He’ll wake up soon,» Dirk said, interrupting her train of thought, «Don’t you worry Amanda, he’ll be back to his old, grumpy self soon enough.»

The smile that he gave her was probably supposed to look encouraging and hopeful, but instead was barely even a grimace. Amanda looked away, feeling the worry that had settled in her stomach flare up again.

«There was this one day where he was in a seriously bad mood, and he almost punched this very incompetent Agent - and I mean like, incredibly incompetent and stupid - in the face because he wouldn’t stop insisting that Todd had ‘powers’, and that he kept harassing me. It was incredible, really. Had the guards not been so quick I’m certain Todd would’ve broken his nose. They had to carry us out, Todd kicking and screaming, before dumping us in our cell. He was furious afterwards, ranting that the next time he saw him, he’d punch his perfect white teeth in.»

Amanda couldn’t help the smile that slowly formed on her face at the thought of her brother in a fit of rage. «It sounds like that one time a guy tried to harass me in high school. Todd actually ended up clocking the guy real good, leaving a nasty bruise before the teachers came. Like, you wouldn’t believe the shit we got into when we were kids.»

Dirk seemed fascinated by the story, a gentle smile on his lips. «I can imagine. Really, you should’ve seen him when we first woke up. I never thought such a small man could hold so much rage.»

«Oh, that’s the thing Dirk - the shorter you are, the angrier you are. That’s just science,» Amanda said, grinning at him. «At least, in my experience that is. Also, we are really good at kicking people in the shin.» 

«Ah. Would explain a lot, really. I’ll remember not to make you angry, then,» Dirk said with a smile.

«Hey, are you calling me short?» Amanda gasped in mock-offense, trying her best not to burst out laughing.

«Yes. In fact, you are probably the shortest person I have ever met.» Dirk was proudly grinning at her, purposefully straightening up to demonstrate the clear height difference.

«Why, I have never…» Amanda put a hand to her chest and gasped, just like those old white ladies who got offended by almost everything. She couldn’t help the grin that began to grow on her face as she began to giggle, and Dirk joined in on her laughter. 

It did her good, to be able to laugh and joke around again, to be a little distracted from all of her fears and worries.

After their laughter began to die down, Amanda gave Dirk a smile. «I should probably go find Farah, so that we can figure out which room belongs to who, and all of that shit.»

«Ah, yes, go do that. I’ll stay here, with Todd, until he wakes up. It’s better to wake up with company…» Dirk’s smile seemed to grow thinner as he finished his sentence and he began to tug at the hem of his shirt again. 

«Yeah… I’ll- I’ll be back soon, with something to drink and probably something to eat, since we haven’t eaten since breakfast and all that.» Amanda said as she rose to her feet. She gently touched Dirk’s shoulder, before walking to the door.

«Yes, that would be nice, I think,» Dirk responded, smiling that thin smile at her, that smile that felt so wrong on his face.

Nodding at him, Amanda opened the door and stepped out of the room, desperately trying to ignore the worry that had settled in the pit of her stomach. She was worried, for the both of them. What the government had done to them had damaged them, and her heart ached for them, for all of her friends.

She was determined that none of them would ever suffer by the CIA’s hand, ever again. Not if she had a thing or two to say about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was worth the wait (probably not lol, sorry 'bout that). Life has just been so fucking busy for me this past month. I visited the United States (which was a trip, lemme tell you) and spent most of my time either at Universal or inside, trying to avoid people. And when I finally got back home, shit really hit the fan. My health is still not as good as it should be, and I've been really busy because of a wedding, and just so much shit that happened. 
> 
> But! I will try to update more frequently (at least once a month). And I can't thank all of you enough for reading this story. We've almost reached 100 comments, and over 1.6k hits. I can't believe that! It's incredible! And all of the kudos! Your feedback helps me a lot, and it makes writing this story so much better. Every time I see a new comment I become a ball of pure happiness. It's just increcdible that all of you guys care about my story!
> 
> And to all of you who have wished me better; thank you so much. I can't express how thankful I am that you guys have taken the time to wish me better, and I really really value that. It makes it a little lighter, especially when I have painful days (such as today). So thank all of you for caring about me, and my silly little story! <3
> 
> Until next time; see ya!  
> (Visit me on my tumblr, that-one-strange-geek to ask me questions 'n' shit!)


	15. Did You Know?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Find Farah, make food, bring food.
> 
> Easy tasks, harder to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I, um... Long time, huh? That's um... Sorry for that... But hey, here's a new chapter, almost 2k!
> 
> Warnings for:  
> Swearing, because Amanda has a big potty mouth.

Finding Farah proved harder than Amanda previously thought. While their new «home» wasn’t exactly a mansion, it wasn’t small either. There were a lot of corridors and small rooms everywhere, and while she’d gone exploring with Vogel the first week they’d stayed here, she still didn’t know where everything was.

She ran a hand over her hair, frowning at her shaking hand. She couldn’t let the stress overwhelm her, not yet. Amanda was supposed to be stronger than that, she was supposed to be able to function even with a little worry burning in the pit of her stomach.

«Hey, Amanda.»

Amanda would profusely deny that she jumped like a startled cat, because come _on_ , she wasn’t easily scared. And the owner of the voice did not startle her, no not at all.

«Farah! I was looking for you!» Amanda said with a little too much enthusiasm, trying to smile as confidently as she could.

«Did I startle you?» By the sound of her voice, Farah sounded amused at the prospect of scaring her. Vogel had tried several times over the course of their time in the cabin, and every attempt had been a failure.

«Uh, kinda? I’m just- just really high strung, I suppose.» Amanda sighed as she ran a hand over her face, not bothering to hide her exhaustion. The past few days had been stripping her of all her energy, and if she was honest, she could really go for a nap.

But she couldn’t, not right now at least. She had a lot to do before she herself could relax.

«Oh. How are they doing, anyway?» Farah asked as she moved a little closer to Amanda, concern evident in the bodyguards eyes. «How are _you_ doing?»

«They’re tired. Dirk just had a shower and Todd’s still out like a light,» Amanda replied gently, trying to seem positive. «Me? I’m holding up. Tired as shit though, my feet are _aching_.»

«Maybe you should rest, then? You’ve done a lot today, some rest would do you good. I don’t want you to end up in pain, too,» Farah said, her voice gentle and soft and it sent warm shivers down her spine.

«I’m fine Farah, I just need to bring the boys some food, and then I can go and take a well-deserved nap.» Amanda tried to smile as positively as possible, but she felt like absolute shit and she just wanted a solid twelve hours of sleep.

«Hm. I can help with that, and no, don’t shake your head at me, I want to help you so you can get some damn sleep. I don’t want you to collapse from exhaustion, okay?» Farah’s voice was gentle, soft, welcoming. It made her stomach do a slight flip and her heart flutter.

«Okay, okay,» Amanda agrees, running a hand over her braid. «Yeah. I’d like that.»

Farah offered her that sunshine smile of hers, and it made her heart flutter. Farah was just too beautiful for Amanda’s poor gay heart. Fuck, she was just too fucking perfect and amazing.

Trying to hide the blush that was slowly tinting her cheeks, Amanda nudged Farah’s arm and began to walk towards the kitchen area. «Do you have any idea of what to make?» she asked the other woman as they walked.

Because Amanda sure as fuck did not know what to make.

«Anything edible, really,» Farah answered with a smile as she walked beside her.

«Wait, you’re saying I can’t make edible food?» Amanda said, holding a hand to her chest in mock-offense.

«Well, yes, I am. Because your cooking skills are shit, no offense. That’s why I’m here to protect the food from your poisonous touch.» Farah punched her shoulder softly and grinned at her, and Amanda could feel her heart stutter in her chest. If there was one person that could help lighten up her mood, it was Farah.

«Fuck you then,» Amanda said before laughing gently, rubbing at the back of her neck. Probably the wrong thing to say, fuck. Her cheeks felt hot and her chest felt warm and bubbly.

When Amanda looked up at Farah, her eyes seemed wider for only a fraction of a section, before she grinned. «You wish.»

Amanda could literally feel her heart stutter in her chest as she looked at Farah with wide eyes. Holy shit. «Dude…» A grin spread across her face as she gently pumped her knuckles on her shoulder. «I see I’ve been a good influence on you.» Amanda hoped her face wasn’t red with embarrassment, because fuck that’d be bad. Then she’d know Amanda had a crush on her.

«Pfft, a good influence?» Farah was grinning, and if Amanda didn’t know any better, she would think she was blushing, too. «I don’t think so.»

«Oh, really, miss ‘I hide guns everywhere’? _You’re_ the one chiding _me_ about good influence?» Amanda said, nudging Farah’s arm with a finger. «Miss ‘I’ll teach everyone how to use a vast array of guns’? Miss ‘Badass motherfucker’?»

Ok, now Farah was _really_ blushing. And stuttering, trying to form words. And fuck, she was just so fucking darn _cute_. Why, oh why did she have to be so motherfucking _adorable_.

«O-Ok, if you say so,» Farah more or less stuttered, her hands flailing in that cute way that they usually did when she was flustered or nervous.

Grinning, Amanda gently grabbed one of Farah’s hands and more or less pulled the woman after her. Farah’s hands were warm and soft and holy shit did it feel good to hold her hand. _Not now, Amanda, don’t let your gay shine._

When they reached the (very big and luxurious) kitchen, Amanda reluctantly let go of Farah’s hand, instead opting for crossing her arm over her chest and leaning on the kitchen counter. «So, what should we make? Or, _you_ make, since I’m such a shitty cook, apparently.» Her tone was playful and joking.

If felt good to be able to, well, not exactly _relax_ , but feel like the world wasn’t crashing down on her every fucking second. Farah had been her rock these past months, her solid ground. She’d been there when she’d had attacks, when her hands felt like they were burning, or her skin peeled back and her blood was _everywhere_. She’d been there when Amanda had woken up screaming, crying and gasping as her lungs were filled with smoke. She’d held her hand and gently coaxed her back with the help of Vogel. Farah had been there when she’d cried for Todd, cried out of fear and desperation.

Farah had been her bedrock. She - and Vogel -had been there when she needed them the most.

And (she hoped, at least), she’d been there for Farah, too. Been there on those cold, cold nights when she’d been fretting, scared and anxious for her friends, for Dirk and Todd and Lydia. When she’d cried and mourned Patrick, when she’d been shaking from the panic and stress of worrying about how Lydia was doing.

And now?

Now, when everything seemed batshit crazy?

Farah was there, and she wasn’t leaving.

At least, Amanda hoped so.

«Hey, you there?» Farah’s gentle voice pulled her away from her thoughts, her face soft and caring. «You seemed a little, well, out of it.»

«Yeah, I was just- just thinking,» Amanda said, rubbing at her throat. «I got- I have a lot on my mind, you know?»

Farah only nodded, motioning with her hand for Amanda to go on. It reminded her of the nights that had been spent sitting in front of the fireplace, sharing fears and worries and past experiences and their hopes and dreams.

«I, well-» Taking a deep breath, Amanda pulled gently at her braid before holding onto it with a firm grip. «Did you know Todd had gotten pararibulitis?»

«Wait- What? No, you said he didn’t have it, that he- He does? When? How?» Farah’s eyes were wide, her hands curled up to her chest. Her expression was full of shock, her mouth half open and her shoulders tense.

«Well, apparently he has it. Weird, isn’t it? He lied about it and then- and then he has it and I don’t know _why_ or _how_ but he does and-» Warm hands took hers, and Amanda looked up from where she’d been looking at her feet, to Farah’s gentle face.

«How- How did you- did you know?» Farah asked, voice soft but strained with shock, disbelief and worry.

«He- He had an attack, right in front of me. Dirk was there too, he- he was the one that told me. That’s why- why Todd was passed out. I- I didn’t- didn’t want to believe it, at first… How can I believe that he has something he more or less _just_ told me he didn’t have. But…» Clutching Farah’s hands helped ground her, helped calm her down. Taking a deep breath, Amanda continued, «But I… I just… Something in my gut tells me that it’s real. And- And I just- I don’t _know_ anymore, Farah.»

«Hey, hey, look at me,» Farah said as she gently pulled at her hands, her voice soft and comforting. «I- I understand that it’s confusing. I- I might not completely understand your situation, but, I’m here. And we’ll figure it out together. All of us.»

«I just… I knew- I _knew_ things would be difficult, different, but… I didn’t- I didn’t expect this! I’d just- just accepted it, come to terms and now- now it’s all weird and different and I just, I don’t…» Amanda bit her lip, feeling her eyes begin to sting and her throat tighten with emotions. «I don’t know anymore, Farah… I’m just… Fuck… Why’s everything so confusing?»

«Sometimes, things in life is. Sometimes, all you see is a rising hill, with no escape in sight, but,» Farah let go of one of her hands and instead put it gently on Amanda’s cheek, «when you reach the top, it’s only downhill from there.»

A soft, tearful laugh escaped Amanda’s throat as she hugged Farah’s other hand tightly in hers. «How did you become so wise?»

«Living with you did, and also a _lot_ of reading,» Farah replied softly, her smile warm and comforting.

«Well, those books paid off, huh,» Amanda said as she looked at Farah, looked into her gentle and soft eyes. She let go of the hands she was holding in favor of wrapping her arms around Farah in a soft but firm hug.

«I’m just… I don’t know how to deal with this… How to even _start_ processing this…» Amanda whispered as she leaned her forehead on Farah’s shoulder.

«Well… We’ll figure it out. Together. I’m not leaving you, I’m going to stay here, right by your side, no matter what. We’ll- we’ll figure out how to deal with this, how this new reality is going to work. Side by side,» Farah answered, voice soft and warm in her ear. Pleasant.

«Thank you, Farah… Thank you for _everything_ ,» Amanda said, tightening her grip around Farah. The other woman made her feel safe, feel like she wasn’t breaking.

«Anytime, Amanda. Anytime…» Farah held her gently, firmly as they stood there in the kitchen.

«You’re amazing, Farah, do you know that?»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I um... This might've been a little short? I wanted it to be soft, to be gentle, to be, well, gay. I wanted to write more, but it felt more natural to cut it here. I realized that Farah didn't know, and I, well, needed Farah to be told. Plus, I love Amanda and Farah and their interactions so much.
> 
> Ok, so, I know I've been gone for a long time, and I'm _so _sorry. I never meant it to take so long, but life became hell and I had - I just have to admit it - a writer's block, and it was very fucking difficult to get out of. But I did, and now things are beginning to look up again._  
>  And yeah, I can't promise another update soon, only that I'll try to get it as soon as possible. Maybe a month. I've struggled a lot these few weeks, heh. My hip decided to become fucked over again - not as bad as before, but still - and I've been very busy with life in general. So when the next update comes is not something I can say, mostly because I don't want to give empty promises to you guys. You don't deserve that._
> 
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> _  
> _Another thing I need to bring up, is something I've been thinking about for a while: How the story'll progress from now on. I've been split on seperating this story, and by that I mean ending it soon on a more positive note and then writing a sequel, or just keep everything in one story that I have no idea how long it'll take me to finish. But I want your input, to know if you want one big story or two stories. Just be warned that the second story might take some time, too, if I end up doing it. I'm mostly curious on what you guys think._  
>  _
> 
>  
> 
> _  
> _I also love hearing your thoughts and seeing your comments! They're amazing, and they help me write this story. I love how much you guys have been supporting me. Almost 2k hits, 130 kudos, almost 100 comments. That's what drives me, so thank you guys so much for all your love and support._  
>  _
> 
>  
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> __  
> _Until next time; see ya!  
>  (Visit me on my tumblr, that-one-strange-geek to ask me questions 'n' shit!)_  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's short, but y'know... It's the first chapter. The next will hopefully come soon, but maybe next month. 
> 
> So until then... See ya!


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